March 26, 2010 - The Four of Swords

The Four of Swords (Quills) is one of the rare instances that the depiction in the Jane Austen Tarot is much more daunting and disturbing than in the Rider Waite Tarot. In the Jane Austen Tarot, on the Four of Quills we see Marianne Dashwood at her bitterest place, her deepest despair. She has lost her love and takes it hard, so hard she chooses to die, to literalize her broken heart, to slip and slide away. Marianne gives so much to love, so much of herself, that when love deserts her there's so little left death seems a viable, even desired option.

I never thought I was Marianne Dashwood, and in so many ways I'm not. I'm much more practical, like her sister, Elinor. And yet, I suspect in each of us, there is a Marianne and in the proper circumstances we would give ourselves completely to someone, trust them with our very hearts, and find that kind of love must be earned day by day, week by week, year by year. I found my inner Marianne at a time of life when I thought I was long beyond her. I reached a point where I didn't much care whether I lived or died. Now when push came to shove, I did choose life, a choice that still surprises me. I was so sure I was too tired, to hurt, to go on. Like Marianne, I survived my loss and like her, I must recuperate, come back to place not just of sensibility, but sense.

The Four of Swords is a card of rest, of taking time to heal, of finding peace and quiet. It's a card of contemplation, gaining a better perspective, taking time to think, reviewing where you are and where you want to go. It's also a card of quietly preparing, consolidating inner resources, getting ready for the future. It's this final aspect of the card that tells me where I am now. For the first time my heart and desires aren't tied to a person but to my own wishes, where I want to be. And it isn't a pipe dream. I feel it in my very bones. I'm going to make this happen and sooner, as opposed to later. I'm not going to defer my happiness for another. And I'm not going to wait for the right time, the perfect opportunity. I don't believe in perfect opportunities. I believe we make our choices and chances. We make our opportunities. I believe life demands of us acts of courage, life's proof and ours that we honor the blessings we've been given and our willing to risk to receive.

So I'm marshaling myself. I'm doing the hard work that frankly I should have been doing the last few years instead of chasing death with despair. I'm getting ready because my time is coming, come. I'm making my dreams a reality. As for how it goes, stay tuned and I'll keep you posted.