February 28, 2010 - The King of Swords

I have a friend from my time at Pacifica who has a dream of living in Colorado again. I know there's more to the dream, and although I don't know the specifics of that more, I wish I did. Alaska taught me that I too have a dream, even if I'm not at all sure what it is and what seems important in the next years of my life is turning that dream into reality. so my question today was: "What do I need to know today to learn my dream and achieve it?"

I guess it makes sense that the Tarot might advise me to embody certain characteristics to figure things out and once, figured, go for it. The King of Swords is intellectual, analytical, articulate, just and ethical. Here's what Joan Bunning writes about the King of Swords: "He is a man of intellect who can absorb and work with information of all kinds. As a master of reason and logic, he analyzes any problem with ease. He can work out solutions quickly and explain them lucidly to others. In a chaotic situation, he cuts through the confusion and provides the clarity needed to move forward. Others seek him out to present their case as he speaks with eloquence and insight. He is always truthful and can be relied on to handle any situation fairly and honorably. When a judgment is called for, he can render an impartial but just decision. He is incorruptible and lives by the highest ethical standards. He encourages those around him to do the same, and they often live up to his expectations."

For me then, the question becomes how can I embody this energy and use it for my purposes.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the King of Swords (Lord of Quills) is depicted by Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pride and Prejudice. Darcy is an intelligent man who possesses high regard for his skills and attributes. And while he may have every right and reason to be sure of skills, proud, it doesn't mean he's right all of the time. He would benefit from listening to his "gut." The one thing these last hard years have taught me is there's much I don't know; that knowing isn't Knowing; that I can be so gloriously and glaringly wrong about things. Like Socrates, I suppose, wisdom has come in knowing just how little I know. I can and should muster all my gifts to find my way but I need to do so in a way that integrates heart and soul into all that beautiful mind.

What Would Jane Do?

"The gift of intellect is a blessing, indeed; however, it can become a curse if used as a weapon instead of a device for superior communication. While the public square is filled with fools and simpletons, why grow querulous on the subject? One can derive amusement from them, and even, occasionally, learn from them." p. 124

February 27, 2010 - The Six of Cups

Last night was a hard one and my sleep the kind you wake up from with tears in your eyes. Yesterday was restless, discontented, the world full of what I didn't have as opposed to what I did. So this morning, I decided to ask this question:

"What is the most important thing I need to know today to bring happiness to my life sooner, this year, and to stay happy?"

The Six of Cups is a sweet card, full of nostalgia. It reminds me of all the good in the world and the power of simple acts of kindness. There is an innocence to it that is the children depicted, but not just. Virtue but also free of ulterior motive. These days I say what I say not because I expect anything from it, but because I don't. It's true and so the good I say and the angry and hurtful? Well, for the most part I keep that to myself. I think my mother was right with her admonishment, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. I'm a fan of truth and fair but tempered. Some things just don't need to be said. There's just no point. The Six of Cups is a card of simple pleasures and it reminds us, encourages us, to be kind and generous and forgiving.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Six of Teacups is depicted by a young Edmund Bertram consoling a young Fanny Price. Now ultimately, the deep and reciprocal friendship between these two blossoms into love. To be honest, Fanny has always loved Edmund. He, however, takes quite some time to realize how deeply he feels for her. This is a card then of friendship reciprocated and possibly, maybe, a friendship that blossoms into love.

What Would Jane Do?

"Words of kindness can provide balm in the worst times, deed of kindness stir the soul, but a combination of the two are an ideal foundation for any relationship. Emotional support without the practical resources to relish them can be but empty comfort. On the other hand, practical assistance without kindness tastes as bitter as bread without jam. Even if your tea is truly sparse, however, it is better to share it with an amiable companion." p. 87

February 26, 2010 - The Two of Pentacles

I ask about the emotional realm and get pentacles, the material realm. Hmmmmm.

One of the great things about this particular card is how easy it is to read. Just look at it and you know exactly what it means. A young man is deftly juggling two coins. The sideways figure eight, the infinity symbol, suggests there is something timeless about this dance, about this need to juggle, keep in balance, and staying flexible. Behind him two ships easily navigate a restless sea. He looks happy, as if he's enjoying it all which he is.

The Two of pentacles says you can easily balance all that's on your plate and you can do it effectively and gracefully. It does remind you to stay flexible, to adapt, to see possibilities and change directions when you have to. It is also a strong reminder to have fun.

Life has not been fun for me the past few years. It's been hard, dreary work. My visit to my brother in Alaska showed me a person who has experienced hard time, maybe has some regrets, but doesn't dwell on them. He enjoys life, the big and little things. His motto: "Life is good." And he's right, it is, even when it doesn't go the way we hoped or planned. A recent dream reminded me of this, of the magical beauty of my life, there if I only see it and appreciate it.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Two of Pentacles is depicted by Marianne Dashwood watching the love of her life, John Willoughby, turn from their love to the love of another, a love based on money and status. Marianne can give him love but neither status nor riches. He has an estate to care for. He chooses riches. And while Austen tells us he regrets that choice later on, it's too little to late for he or Marianne.

What Would Jane Do?

"Our common sense doesn't always walk hand-in-hand with our hearts. We are often torn between our desires and our needs. Sometimes we make decisions we regret, and not only when we follow our hearts. We can momentarily be so swayed by pragmatic considerations that we agree to things we later regret. Sometimes we must even withdraw our word, and that causes its own brand of shame and heartache. Life turns us in some strange directions, but that does not mean we can remain static -- because that's no life at all." p. 127

February 25, 2010 - The Nine of Cups

Lately I've felt distant, in the world but not quite of it. It's a familiar feeling. I think as a writer you always hang around the edges. That kind of liminal position is just what you need for the observational skills necessary to write, at least in my humble opinion.

Sometimes though you pass through the threshold to the other side. You are not in the world or of it, but ghost, visitor. You haunt but you don't live. I've felt nearly this for a while now, sometimes mustering enough energy to be seen and sometimes heard, but never embodied. I've felt a bit like a dead man walking which might explain my love of zombies.

So what does a ghost do when she pulls the Nine of Cups? This is a card of sensual pleasure, of wishes fulfilled, of satisfaction, smugness even, at what you've accomplished. This card says you are of the physical world and you're getting just hat you want, or will be, so be prepared. Can ghosts savor, relish beauty, make art, make love? Do ghosts dream and can those dreams come true? I feel dead, but I'm still living, loving. I'm in the world and of it and, according to this card at least, pleased as punch at how well things are going. Makes me think feelings may just not be as "real" as I give them credit for being, my end all, be all, the deep, essential truth of me. Maybe they are as ephemeral as thoughts, as quicksilver as gut, here and then gone.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Nine of Cups (Teacups) depicts a dinner party at the Weston household in Highbury, the fictional location of the novel Emma. He is pleases as he can be, happy, surrounded by loved ones, a table filled with the good things of life. He has an open, welcoming and happy heart, and when you get this card it implies you do too. You are cordial, gracious, content. Could I be these things as not even know it?

The Nine of Cups is traditionally a card of "wish fulfilled." It is a card of emotional satisfaction, not financial, but it is no guarantee. You wish to be, deserve to be, lucky in love but it's up to you, the recipient, to take the necessary actions to achieve it. For a woman that lately feels death might be a little closer than she would like, here are some words of wisdom: "A healthy diet of love and affection - combined with a lack of financial worry - is the best guarantee of longevity. Add to the regime a healthy appreciation of society and the means to indulge it and you add on a decade to your life. Finally, remove tension by becoming the quintessence of affability and you might well live forever." p. 92

February 24, 2010 - The Ace of Pentacles

I don't know why I'm always surprised when pentacles come up in a reading. I think I assume the material world will be fine enough. It's the realm of thought and heart and gut that feed the soul of this Romantic. Of course, it's hard to focus on sentiment when you have neither house nor food nor work. It's easy to forget that when you're doing well.

Aces hold the sense of possibility. They are the very essence of the suit they represent, a seed which, with nurturing, can bloom. when the Ace of Pentacles comes up in a reading, it's not a time for fantasy or drama or daring. It's a time to be real and centered. The card is asking you to trust, not blindly, but building a firm foundation, both within and without. Yes, that means not lying to myself and not lying to others, which is pretty much where I am right now anyway.

The Ace of Pentacles can also be a sign that you can make your dreams come true. Your ideas are ready, they just need you to turn them into something tangible. I'm assuming this relates to writing and art, but maybe it involves life too. I'm wondering more about that with this suit, if life is art, of we make it and ourselves.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Ace of Coins sits atop the novel Sense and Sensibility. The book suggests that pragmatism and sensibility beats out fine sentiments and romanticism. The Ace of Coins demands that we move step-by-step toward our dreams. "If there's something you want, expectation alone will not provide it. Move steadily and surely -- and even then, you may not reach your desired goal. But you will be at least one step closer to it." p. 125

February 23, 2010 - The Eight of Pentacles

This Tarot journey continues to surprise me. Ask about health and happiness and this card comes up, a card about hard work and diligence. Okay? Not that relationships, family, friends can't be hard work or require due diligence, but this is a card of craftsmanship, hands on, paying attention to detail, learning something and producing something.

Maybe it's time to think of relationships as something we produce, create, a work of art that requires all our gifts of attention, skill, dedication, effort, time. I have always believed them more like a being, a person, something with soul, and they are that and more. Surely they can be works of art, full of heart and soul. They do require hard work and dedication. They do benefit from increasing our expertise. And it helps to pay attention to details, to being careful and care-full. Maybe if we think relating as a craft, love as art and artistry, then perhaps better isn't such a stretch.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Eight of Coins depicts Anne Elliot in all her realms of mastery. She is the most accomplished member of her family. She is capable, productive, organized, skillful, intelligent but practical. When this card comes up in a reading, it suggests the reader possesses these qualities as well. Or, it could be you're ready to move on to something more. It could also mean, like Anne at the beginning of the novel, you are being pushed to your limits, asked to do too much.

What Would Jane Do?

"When in doubt, choose "honesty against importance ... more vigorous measures, a more complete reformation, a quicker release from debt, a much higher tone of indifference for everything but justice and equity." p. 136

February 22 - The Seven of Wands

Today started low, a little hopeless, and so my question was low and a little hopeless too, wondering what the point was even as I asked, "What do I need to know today to bring true happiness into my life?" What came up is the Seven of Wands.

The man depicted on the Seven of Wands is attacking and under attack. It's a card of asserting yourself, refusing to yield, being sure. I can safely say these days that I am not sure about anything. There is what I wanted once, which I still want but I'm not sure whether it is habit or true desire. There is what I have that is fine enough, but I have little passion for. I don't know myself well enough to take a stand, or at least that's how it seems.

(Because I had such trouble with this card, I drew another, Justice. This clarifies things some. Justice is about acting ethically, assuming responsibility, understanding cause and effect, and setting a course for the future. It comes up either when you need to set a course or are facing the consequences of a path you took before. Hmmmm.)

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Seven of Wands depicts Elizabeth Bennett holding her own against Lady Catherine de Bourgh, an imperious and rather supercilious aunt of Fitzwilliam Darcy, who learns of Darcy's proposal and wants to make sure a union between Darcy and Lizzie doesn't happen. At this point, Elizabeth has no idea of Darcy renewing his proposal. Still, with verbal deftness and resolve, she holds her own Lady Catherine and stands up for herself and her family. The Seven of Wands/Candlesticks suggests that even if you are feeling outmatched or fighting a losing battle, you have right on your side, which evens the battlefield. It is not a time for pessimism or negativity, but one of purpose and courage. The hardest battle is always against my own perceived limitations. This, I think, is the lesson of the Seven of Wands for me today, to believe in myself and my lovability, to believe I deserve the good things of life including love, especially love.

What Would Jane Do?

"Courage is an easy quality to assert when the playing field is distinctly to your advantage, but valor can only be claimed when you are truly challenged by your circumstances. A weak position stems not only from an inequitable distribution of weaponry, but a more dangerous defect: a failure to recognize your own worth. Once you realize your strength comes from your inner value and not your valuables, your opposition's superiority begins to dissipate." p. 67

February 21, 2010 - The Star

A few mixed responses sent me to a simpler, more basic question, "What's the one thing I need to know today that will lead me to happiness?" More than love, friendship, will I/won't I, will he/won't he, is a profound longing for peace and happiness.

After my heart was figuratively broken but not yet literally, and I sat recovering in every way after hip surgery, The Star came up often in my daily readings. I greeted her with such joy for She is the embodiment of hope and I was sorely lacking in any sort of hopefulness, my world nothing but shades of gray. When The Star comes up in a reading, she is about regaining hope, being inspired, being generous, feeling secure. The thing about the Star is that it isn't a practical card. It says you're on the right track, your aspirations are blessed, but you must take positive action to achieve them.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, The Star depicts Louisa Musgrove unconscious in bed after her impetuous accident jumping from the quay. Anne Elliot, Captain Wentworth, Captain and Mrs. Harville wait in another room staring at a lone star through a open window. This scene captures beautifully the hopefulness of The Star. At that moment, Captain Wentworth remembers why he fell in love with Anne and Anne realizes that this man she still loves has altered his feelings toward her, although she has no idea if he is in love with her. A.E. Waite called The Star, "Truth unveiled." Coming as it does after the devastation of The Tower, it reminds us that sometimes we need an intense occurrence to reveal our essential truths.

It's funny, but my first glimpse of stars during my trip to Alaska was my first morning. A break formed in the clouds, maybe an hour's length, probably less. I looked up at a swath of bright points in the thick dark and there, to my right a shooting star. This card takes me back to that first hopeful morning. I so wanted Alaska to change me, to settle things, to lead me to the right path.

"When a star shoots across the sky it's a rather definite and literal signal that there really is a divine plan...and we are part of it." p. 46

February 20, 2010 - The Hierophant

After a brief hiatus in the wilds of Alaska, I'm back. I did pick cards there but won't blog them. Mostly they offered encouragement, reminders, and hope. It will be a long haul to get where I need to go, this said after the long haul of getting to this point. Still, there is the hope of it, however, slight, and small, a spring kind of hope, tender green, slight, maybe-maybe not.

Today I asked what I needed to know to get where I need to be by the end of this year, whether it means change or status quo. It wasn't a very direct question, hardly well thought out, which may explain the response.

The Hierophant is a card about the status quo, following rules, groups and group dynamics, oughts and shoulds. The thing of oughts and shoulds, with rules, with mores, is that they can be enriching or stifling, depending. And some times we need to follow and embrace traditions, and sometimes we need to trust ourselves. The key is knowing when to do which.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, The Hierophant is depicted by Mr. Collins, the officious cleric of Pride and Prejudice, not my favorite character and certainly someone I don't want to be. Of course it makes sense, since I teeter between following the rules and living life my way, my rules, straining against shoulds and oughts but afraid to let go of security completely. I guess I'm afraid to sail unfettered, sticking to the bay, longing for the ocean.

What Would Jane Do?

"The question you must ask yourself is 'What or whom do you serve?'. What are your core values? Are your beliefs based on familial values, your religious upbringing, society's mores, or do they derive from your own carefully considered personal truths? While we are all influenced to a greater or lesser extent by our cultural experiences and what we have been taught, deep within us exists an unique compass, a compass of the soul."

My true north. I have to find mine.

January 12, 2010 - The Three of Swords

When you ask about love, this is not the card you want to see. I've known this particular pain, the stabbing thrust into my heart both literally and figuratively the past few years. As would be expected in any card dealing with swords (thoughts and intellect) some of those swords were thrust by me. We are often our worst enemies, hurting ourselves more than anyone else could for we ourselves so well, know just where to aim the blow so it draws the most blood, hurts the worst.

When the Three of Swords comes up in a reading, there's heartbreak, loneliness, betrayal. It could be inflicted upon you but there's also the possibility that you're doing the inflicting. That's the thing about the cards. They ask you to push away the veils and to see the world and yourself as truly as you can. And the thing is, we're human. We make mistakes. We are hurt, but just as often we hurt others. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

So why the Three of Hearts? Recently a friend of my found love at last. I haven't heard from her since. And while I'm so glad for her, the sting of loss is all too familiar, an echo of a loss of love I'm just now, at last, on the other side of. Part of me wants to confront her, to tell her how much she's hurt me. But another part, the sadder but wiser part, knows it's too easy to fall into harsh words, to say something I can't take back. That part of me has come to the conclusion that this may be the way of the world, certainly that there is a lack in me that I cannot hold the flame of our friendship through weeks and months of silence. I have learned something from that failed relationship. I supposes we'll see if I learned enough.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Three of Swords (Quills) depicts Jane Bennett of Pride and Prejudice reading the letter sent by Caroline Bingley, a woman she thought was a friend, telling her that her brother does not love Jane and that his intentions are turned toward another. Jane is heartbroken but strong. She does not give in to her sorrow, drown in it. Rather she moves on. Her heart is true but resilient enough to hope for another love but not turn down the return of her love when he does ultimately declare himself. I never related much to Jane. She is too kind, too good-tempered, too beautiful. I am flawed. And yet I can be inspired by her to be strong at the loss of friendship and love. I suppose in the scheme of things, they are not loss at all since thy were not true in the first place. And so it goes, the Wheel of Fortune rising and falling, we learning, growing, becoming thanks to life's surprises, including the Three of Swords, maybe especially the Three of Swords.

February 11, 2010 - The Four of Pentacles

There's no reason to dislike this card, but today, when I saw it, I felt that sinking, "oh no." There's nothing apocalyptic about it. It does possess a stingy feel, as if life is hoarding good times at my expense. I know: I know. Project much?

The question today was about fostering deep and rewarding friendships. I tend to cycle through my friends. These days about three years, four, and they drift away, my opportunity I suppose to consider the nature of friendship and why my flow and then ebb. Life does get in the way, sure. And I suspect I have done much the same with people, warming than cooling. I tend to see myself as constant, and maybe I am, or maybe I just tired later then they tired of me. Are you still friends if you never talk? Does Facebook count? Do you stay open no matter what? Is it truly better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?

When the Four of Pentacles comes up in a reading it's time to take stock. Are you too possessive? Are you trying to maintain control of things at any cost? Are you resisting change, trying to maintain the status quo? It is a card of a young ego trying to assert itself. It is a card of "gimme," "I want," "no," and "mine." I know I want things to stay the same and I also know that change is the only thing that's sure in life that, to paraphrase Heraclitis, you never stand in the same river twice for all that it looks the same. Joan Bunning writes of this card: "The lesson of the Four of Pentacles is that control is impossible. We stand in the world as in a great ocean. Who could manage or possess such power? The only way to keep from drowning is to ride the currents. The ocean will support us as long as we swim with the flow." I wonder sometimes if my need for the ocean these days is for just this reminder of timelessness, of ebb and flow, of neap and spring, the tidal nature of life and love and everything in-between.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Four of Coins is depicted by John and Fanny Dashwood of Sense and Sensibility. When the elder Mr. Dashwood dies he exacts a promise from the son of his first marriage, John, that he will provide for his half-sisters, Elinor and Marianne, and their mother. John promises but after talking to his wife is gradually led to the conclusion that he cannot "afford" to help the girls monetarily, that this wasn't his father's dying wish, that a bit of brotherly concern and occasional visits is more than enough, plenty. It's a grim looking card of avarice and selfishness. I suppose that's why it bothered me so when it came up. Is this me? Food for thought as I prepare for a week in snow and cold, far from my life and its rhythms.

February 10, 2010 - The Queen of Cups

Well here she is, back again. I'm sure, statistically speaking there's a reasonable explanation for the cards re-surfacing over and over. I tend to think it's my own pig-headedness. I'm sure other cards would love to be drawn but apparently I need a lot of repetition to get things. Do cards get tired? Does my higher self wish it could go on a vacation for a bit of rest? Would it sit around with other higher selves complaining about how hard it works and how long it takes me to figure things out, let alone actually do them.

The Queen of Cups is a lovely card. All the queens are beautiful in their own way, the perfect embodiment of the positive qualities of whatever suit they represent. They are measured, balanced, wise. They act with a certainty I admire, envy. There is no second-guessing. They are completely and totally themselves.

The Queen of Cups is loving, totally accepting. She is tender-hearted. Her intuition is strong and she possesses a psychic gift. She is also deeply spiritual, walking in the world secure in the knowledge that everything is one. She is emotional without being ruled by them. For someone who has tipped the emotional scales the past few years and has grown used to extremes, she is what you hope to be, strive to be, for to be less is to risk a broken heart (literal in my case).

In the Jane Austen Tarot, this card is depicted by Jane Bennett of Pride and Prejudice. The older sister of Elizabeth, she loses her love through the interference of Mr. Darcy. Jane could give in to despair, as Marianne Dashwood does (the Maiden/Page of cups), but she is not an all or nothing gal. She is a queen and so she goes on being her loving self, living life, looking toward the future, never giving up. She isn't long-suffering. She moves on from her love even as she still loves, believing there is happiness ahead for her and loving those in her life, being a good daughter and sister, a loving friend.

There are days I feel more Jane than Marianne. It's another step onward toward whatever is ahead. I'm grateful for this small miracle of perspective and a kind of peace. May I always have the loving grace of the Queen of Cups.

February 9, 2010 - The Six of Swords

The Six of Swords visited me at the end of December. It is a card of melancholy, recovery, and travel. It continues to amaze me how right on the mark Tarot can be. Joan Bunning calls this card, "The Slough of Despond," a place where many fears, and doubts, and discouraging apprehensions settle. Hmmm. Sounds pretty familiar. But it also is a card of recovery, of picking up the pieces and feeling hope again. It's that first hint of spring in the thick of winter, the gift that reminds you "this too shall pass," that we live in a world of cycles and spirals and our frozen earth will thaw and bloom again.

It is also a card of travels, inner journeys and outer ones. It usually suggests a new frame of mind. Since I have just come back from the Santa Barbara International Film Festival and am heading to Alaska on Saturday, this card is spot on. Outer journeys, definitely, but inner journeys as well. I find I am ready for that transformation, the one I'm sure is coming. Alaska in winter can't help but transform you.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Six of Swords is the Six of Quills and depicts a young Frederick Wentworth beginning his high sea adventures. He has just been rejected by Anne Elliot because of his youth and unsure prospects. Anne believes that he will make something of himself, but when advised by her mentor to reject him because his future is still unsure, Anne complies. Frederick loves Anne and is angry and hurt at her rejection, but he is a practical man and knows life must go on as he must, even without the woman he loves. That fate brings them back to one another is something both Anne and Frederick never expect, but they are both wise enough to leap at the chance to be together when it presents itself again.

I had dream when I was at Pacifica about sailing with the man I loved. He was going to leave me at a port and sail on. He might be back, he might not but my path was not with him. I tried desperately to transform myself into the figurehead of ship just to stay with him. I felt myself turn to wood bit by bit and about half way, I realized I couldn't do it. I would have to let him go without me, knowing I might never see him again. And while this dream certainly had deep symbolism at the time, it was also remarkably prescient. I was on a journey with a man I loved and we could not go on together. We may never travel together again in that way. I have to make my own life just as I did in the dream.

What Would Jane Do?

"If your current conditions are unpleasant, know that you have the intelligence and skills to improve your lot in life. Courge and wit will take you far, and it is a fact that fortune favors the brave....Have confidence in yourself and go forth into your future." p. 109

February 8, 2010 - The Page of Cups

Another visitation by the Page of Cups - the dreamer, the Romantic, the fragile one, easily hurt. When I ask about the health and happiness of my heart, this card comes often, reminding me to walk in balance, something the hopeful page finds difficult to do.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Page of Cups is the Maiden of Teacups. She is represented by Marianne Dashwood of Sense and Sensibility. Marianne is Sensibility, the one who lives for love, embraces life and love passionately, flies high and falls low, nearly dying when she is spurned by the man she loves and whom she believed loved her, did love her, but not more than he loved comfort and money. I know Marianne. I was Marianne, have been, maybe still am. It's my challenge, it seems, to keep some of the Maiden's hopefulness, but never abandon myself completely to her lest I risk again a broken heart.

February 6, 2010 - The Queen of Wands

The Queen of Wands is back again, wielding her sunflower and budding staff. The question was about friendship, what I needed to know. I am an introverted person, pursuing depth with a few as opposed to breadth with many. We were born into a world of duality - night/day; man/woman; yes/no; up/down. When I teach concepts to kids, I nearly always teach the opposite at the same time. It's the best way to give them a referent. How can you know up without down, day without night, dark without light? I keep thinking I'm a shades of gray person but I come face to face, time again, with my own propensity for black and white.

The Queen of Wands is attractive, makes friends easily. She's wholehearted, doesn't hold back. She is cheerful and self-assured. I wonder if she keeps coming to be because these are parts of myself I've never owned. I've stayed quiet and deep, few and far between. I don't give much of myself, at least not easily and when I do I give too much, there is a desperate quality I think to my intensity, as if my whole world rests on those few shoulders, which it may but it's not a healthy way for me to live, I have found out, when people leave as they do, when things end (as they must I suppose although that's a hard one for me to write definitively. I'm not sure I believe it, at least don't want to). So why does she keep coming up in readings? I think she's trying to get me to stretch myself, to access those parts of me I never thought I had or had so neglected, they are weak with disuse.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Queen of Wands (Lady of Candlesticks) is depicted by Elizabeth Bennet of the novel Pride and Prejudice. Lizzie moves from the beginning of the novel, where she is the maiden, to the end, where she is queen. I wonder if she is meant to instill hope, that all of us are becoming, that who we are is a process, a constant unfolding, that life requires patience, endurance, and hope, most of all hope. I think too, for me at least, Elizabeth is a reminder to be myself, to trust the world enough to be authentic and to know there will be people who will cherish that as there will be people who won't and that there are no guarantees. Justice is a lovely theory but not a way to live. Do we really want the life we deserve, with all the paybacks for all the petty and major wrongs we inflict? No, lucky for us life is merciful and sometimes full of grace and we get so much more than we deserve.

February 5, 2010 - Eight of swords

I didn't have time to pick a card this morning so I picked one on my return to my room after the film festival. I asked for a word/concept to help me sum up this day. It was, all in all, a good day. It was a creative day. And I spent the day doing something I love purely under my own steam. So imagine my surprise when the Eight of Swords came up.

The Eight of Swords is a daunting card. The woman depicted is trapped, bound, blindfolded. When this card comes up in a reading, it means you're feeling restricted, confused, powerless. Great. It means you are heading toward are already in the kind of situation that you feel you cannot escape from ... a dead-end job, a failed relationship, debt, etc. This is what Joan Bunning writes about this card: "When you see this card, remember that you do have choices, and you do have power. No matter how trapped you feel, you can find a way out if you believe it is possible. The young girl in the picture could free herself. She could wriggle free, tear off the blindfold, and kick down those swords. Solutions are not always easy, but they exist. Find your clarity of thought and purpose (the Swords ideal) and use them to take that first step toward home."

Maybe something's coming, but my suspicion is this card is telling me it's still here, more of the same. Yet I wonder if what Bunning writes is the key. There are always choices. I don't have to be that woman bound and trapped. I can choose something different. I can choose a day like today where I am not bound or trapped, where I choose joy, where I feel fulfilled, where I am myself.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Eight of Quills is depicted by Edmund Bertram and Mary Crawford of Mansfield Park. Edmund is charmed by Mary. He sees only her beauty, her grace, the way she plays the harp, like an angel. Fanny Price knows Mary Crawford is wrong for Edmund. She understands Mary is too sophisticated for a man headed for the clergy. But Edmund is blind, as we all are sometimes, by something so beautiful, so perfect, we want it to be ours, that it must be ours. We build such a fantasy around it, about it, believing only what we want to. I've been there, done that, when I should have known better, been wiser, more tempered.

What Would Jane Do?

"While love induces an enviable state of bliss, it is also akin to a form of madness. Rationality and discernment go out the window at the appearance of "fine eyes," or a fine figure. Love may be the nectar of the gods, but when humans imbibe of the divine drink, they often do not have the head to handle it. Be sure you sober up before making any lifelong commitments - they are often decided upon in haste and repented at leisure." p. 113

January 4, 2010 - Queen of Swords

Another Queen. Wonder if I will parade through all of them these next few weeks, a good reminder that we are never one thing but hopefully, helpfully, in touch with so much more. It reminds me of what one of my professors at Pacifica said about Jungian typology, that we have our preferences but gradually, as we age, if we're lucky, we come to integrate all the types.

The Queen of Swords presents all the positive qualities of the element of air, with the more inward focus of a queen. She is the embodiment of the best of the suit of Swords. She's honest, upfront, faces the truth even if it's unpleasant. She's astute, sizing up situations instinctively and understands hidden motives and desires. She is forthright, witty, and experienced.

Joan Bunning of learntarot.com says when the Queen comes up in reading it's time to ask yourself some questions. Are you being honest (with your self and others)? Do you see the humor in a situation (usually easy for me, harder these last few years but back I think, at last)? Are you getting to the point or beating around the bush? Have you figured out what's really going on or you letting yourself be fooled? The Queen wants to know if you are acting like a queen. She's calling you to it.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Queen of Swords (Lady of Quills) is depicted by Anne Elliot, the heroine of Persuasion. Older, wiser, past the first flush of youth and beauty, prepared to be a spinster, Anne does find love, surprisingly out of the blue. The man she refused years ago because he had few prospects and could not support her, returns successful. Anne finds she's still in love with him but is not sure at all of his feelings. In fact, he seems to be wooing the young daughters of a family she knows. Anne gets to watch the romance unfold, knowing she could have had the man she loved, but lost him. I love Persuasion. And while I would love to be Lizzie Bennett, I'm the capable, past her prime Anne Elliott.

The Lady of Quills embodies the perfect balance of heart and mind. Intelligence is married to feeling, and she never lets her emotions overcome her discernment. Facing loss, Anne would go on. She would not have given herself over to grief as I did, to the point of illness. When the card comes up, you may be asked to make hard, thoughtful decisions, even though heart may urge you in a completely different direction.

What Would Jane Do?

"Discernment without emotion is unbearable; pictures of perfection make me sick and wicked. Yet emotion that receives no check is a river in which one drowns - and alas! not quietly and in a dignified manner. This is a time to look rationally, even harshly, at the particulars of a situation. There is no cruelty in this. In order to love wisely, one must actually be wise." P. 122

February 3, 2010 - Queen of Wands

When the queens show up in a reading, they combine the positive aspects of the element they represent (in the case of wands, the element of fire) with an inward focus, mastery. They are the embodiment of the best of that suit. They do not waffle between extremes as the Knights do. They are not idealists as the Pages are, hopeful and open-hearted, trying but not yet succeeding. When the Queen comes up, the card is either asking you to embody the qualities of the suit or suggests that you may meet someone who does. Since I believe we are always working on wholeness, I prefer the first interpretation, that no matter how difficult, we can and should embody good quality of the suit, become "queens."

The Queen of Wands is a vital, can do woman. She is attractive, warm and outgoing. She is wholehearted (my goal since the bypass surgery), energetic, sincere, and doesn't hold anything back. She is energetic, cheerful and self-assured, all qualities I can manage now and again but definitely harder the last few years. And yet I want to be these things. I want to believe in myself, my gifts, and especially my beauty.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Queen of Wands (Lady of Candlesticks) is depicted by Elizabeth Bennett of Pride and Prejudice. Elizabeth starts the book as Maiden/Page energy, full of potential but not yet deepened. By the end, she is a woman of wit and wisdom and deep humanity. She is vital and vivacious, truthful but never intentionally cruel. She is deeply loyal friend and sister and will be a loyal and loving wife as well. If I had to pick my heroine, Lizzie would be the one (although, that said, Anne Elliott seems more like me these days, sadder but wiser and yet oddly still hopeful).

What Would Jane Do?

"While circumspection is ofttimes the wisest approach, if you have researched the facts thoroughly, speak and act with confidence. Candid and open ways delight all worthwhile candidates for your attention and affection. Observant,witty, and brave women are rare and valued. Openness is an essential quality of your vitality."

February 2, 2010 - The Five of Cups

The last time I drew this card was December 20th, 2009. It is a card of focusing on all you've lost instead of what you have. This has pretty much been my reality for the past couple of years. It is a card of suffering a loss, feeling bereft, and experiencing regret. Check. Check. Check. Yep, me in a nutshell.

Now, I don't want to be one of those hopelessly upbeat people who preach making lemonade out of life's lemons. I've got a freezer full of lemon juice, enough for a year of lemonade stands. Nor do I want to belittle the true suffering of people who experience inconceivable losses one, after another, or just one, so profound, living on will always be tinged with regret. I come from a long line of long sufferers. I find I have gift for it. Which doesn't mean I wasn't hurt, badly, and I didn't suffer, which I did. But there is that fine line of seeing only lack, forgetting the world of good all around you.

In general, we humans tend to avoid change, struggle against it. I know I do. Once I get a status quo I like, I pretty much dig in my heals and work my butt off not to have anything upset the apple cart. The thing is change is inevitable, inexorable. It's the one thing you can count on. Relationships ebb and flow, jobs come and go, you love something and can't live without it one day, couldn't be bothered the next. As a Libran, I'm called to balance but it doesn't mean it's any easier for me. I need to learn that fine line between grief and despair, between "going with the flow" and waffling, changing with the time or changing just to change. It's a life's journey, balance, but essential.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Five of Cups depicts Elizabeth Bennett of Pride and Prejudice walking with George Wickham, who is telling her his sad story. Later we will learn that he is not the victim he presents himself to be. The astrological affiliation of the card is Mars in Scorpio, action and assertion awash in deep, intense emotions. Check. That would be me. The question is whether my response is commensurate with the experience. Yes there was loss but a life is so much more and this was not the permanent loss of child. It was the loss of love, something occurs myriad times a day, myriad times through a lifetime. It is the human condition. You grieve and you move on.

What Would Jane Do?

"Life, by its very nature, contains disappointments, both minor and severe. A sensitive person is likely to exaggerate the former and wallow in the latter. Look at your current situation and determine if you are truly giving yourself an appropriate and necessary time to grieve -- or if your response is out of proportion to the specific situation in question. It may even be necessary to examine your own role in your current state of unhappiness; unless you wish to make bewailing your state of affairs your modus operandi, you may want to break patterns of behavior that have kept you in less than sanguine circumstances." p. 85

February 1, 2010 - The Six of Pentacles

The six of pentacles is a card of in-between. There is rich man and poor, a beggar receiving and one still in want. The Five of Pentacles is a card of lack. The Ten of Pentacles a card of plenty. The six then is a card between, which, oddly is how I feel.

Here is what Joan Bunning writes about the card on learntarot.com: "In readings, the Six of Pentacles asks you to look very deeply into the whole issue of what having really means both materially (resources) and immaterially (knowledge, power, love). You may see yourself on one side or the other, but this card asks you to reconsider. Think of the successful businessman who suddenly declares bankruptcy. The tyrannical invalid who dominates through weakness. The teacher who learns from her students. The parent who controls by giving money."

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Six of Pentacles depicts Anne Elliot of Persuasion making time for an old friend who has fallen on hard times, Mrs. Smith. Although her family disapproves of the low connection Anne continues to do what's right, spending time with her friend, and receiving the gift of learning the true situation and intentions of her cousin, that he is not the man he pretends to be. This card then is about gift and receipt and the blessings of both. It warns not to give and give to your own detriment, but not to be stingy either. You give without thought of return but in the way of the world, return will be yours.