May 15, 2010 - Two of Wands

Today I asked about a friend, who was once more, and I think now may be much less.  This is the card that came up.  I can't recall getting this card in ages, if ever.  It's an interesting card about personal power, boldness, and originality.  I feel more victim lately, but maybe that's changing, or maybe it was never true, just a belief, as erroneous as so many others I hold until I can no longer hold them.  I once read chemical entropy described as the desire to hold as well as the desire to be held.  I know that's not the traditional view of entropy, but I've always leaned toward the chemical view of things.  It strikes me that maybe there is an entropy of belief.  Maybe we hold on to them and they onto us until one or the other lets go.  I believed someone a different man than he has turned out to be.  Do I blame him or is it just as much me, for casting him in a role and believing it him, confusing character with the actor.

But I digress.  Back to the Two of Wands.  This is a card that glorifies personal power.  It's the power of the Magician, brought to earth and manifested through earthly bodies.  When this card comes up you or someone else has the power and the other person, you or the other, want it.  The Two of Wands indicates that whatever the situation, power is a major issue.  Look carefully.  If you have the power, use it wisely.  If someone else has it, don't support him or her unless worthy.

The card can also being urging you to be bold.  Dare to do what you want, confront the situation head-on, face your fear, carpe diem.  It may also be asking you to show originality, do what no one else has done.  It's okay to be a pioneer; it's okay to march to a different drummer.  This card is telling you the time is right for a bold, creative move.  Well actually, this card is telling me.  It is my reading after all.

So what does it mean?  Maybe I have more power than I think in this particular situation, but I need to use it wisely.  It would be too easy to exact a kind of revenge and I don't want to be that person.  But I do want him to know that he hurt me.  And then, I think, I want to be done.  I'm not sure friendship should be this much work.  Wonder what tomorrow will bring, Tarot-wise, but I'll keep you posted.

May 14, 2010 - Justice

When times are bad, you know who your real friends are, who you can count on and call on, even if you don't.  Sometimes they surprise you, for better and for worse.  This has been a time of discovery.  My worst fears about some people have been realized, and my best hopes have been realized too.

The Justice card certainly fits all this evaluating, gathering facts, coming to an informed decision.  It's a fair card, but that doesn't mean it's always pretty.  I remember reading something in David Richo wrote in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.  I'm going to paraphrase it because I have to get to work but in essence: In a just world we get what we deserve; in a merciful world, we don't get what we deserve.  And because in a world of Grace, we really don't get what we deserve.  Grace tips the scales in our favor.  Grace knows all the ways we don't live up to what we could be and still blesses us for trying.  Justice wants that eye for an eye.  Grace turns the other cheek and still has a heart full of love for you.

The Justice card is about respecting justice, insisting on fairness, acting ethically.  You commit to honesty.  I say I'm honest and mostly I am but there are some places in my life where I have chosen the easy way, the white lie, even with myself, especially with myself.  The Justice card is about this too, about assuming responsibility, settling old accounts and debts, acknowledging the truth, and then doing what has to be done.  I think I get it at last.

When Justice shows up in a reading, it could mean you're preparing for a decision.  You're weighing all sides, determining right action, choosing with full awareness.  You are setting a course for the future.  I will tell you, realizing how short a time there really is, I want that course to be true and right for me.   Justice also asks us to understand the laws of cause and effect.  It asks you to accept the results you created, to see how you chose your situation, recognize the action of karma.  You understand at last that get a different result takes more than hope.  It requires us to understand our role in things and not just to know we have to do things differently to get different results, but to actually change ourselves.  This is where I am.  It isn't enough to love.  This is a tough realization because I always believed it was.

Another major arcana card so more transformation.  No surprise there.  I feel bruised and soft and ready for life and love and heart to mold me into the woman I want to be, hope to be, these later year of my life.  It's going to be a long, tough road.  As for how I do well, I'll keep you posted.

May 13, 2010 - The Emperor

The Emperor.  Hmmmmm.  There have been a lot of major arcana cards in my readings.  No big surprise there.  The last few years have been all about major transformation.  The Emperor though?

The Emperor is about fathering.  Okay.  My father is figuring predominantly in my life these days.  The Emperor is about establishing a family line, setting direction and tone, protecting and defending.  It's about guiding growth, bringing security and comfort and offering explanations.  Maybe I will get some explanations about my life, my beginnings, why he seems to keep me at arms length since I grew up, why I seem to so disappoint him.

The Emperor is also about emphasizing structure, creating order out of chaos.  Hmmmm.  That hits a bit close to home.  I could use some order.  It's the end of the school year and crazy and my house is a mess, my car is a mess, my life?  You guessed it.  A mess.  It is definitely time to bring some order into my life.  Maybe the Emperor is the perfect card for me right now.

The Emperor is also about exercising authority, taking a leadership tole, commanding, being in a position of strength, setting a direction.  Okay.  That sounds good.  He also encourages us to regulate, follow a regimen.  I need that too.  I haven't been good with walking lately.  Everything else seems to take precedence.  I know it shouldn't be that way.  Life just seems to run away with me by the end of the school year.

I guess you were the best choice, Emperor.  I should never have doubted you.

May 12, 2010 - The Star

The summer of 2007, when I was recovering from hip surgery and a figurative broken heart (the more literal manifestation would come two years later), the Star came in readings all the time.  In pain and hopeless, sure I would never love or be loved again, I found this card soothing, like looking up at the night sky and knowing my small place in a vast universe.  I will say, symbolically, this is one of my favorite cards - the pale blue sky, the stars, the woman with one foot on land and one in the stream (conscious and unconscious).  It's a place I'd love to be; a woman I'd love to be.

When the Star comes up in a reading, it encourages you to have faith in the future, think positively, and count your blessings (something I forget to do sometimes).  If you've been struggling in the dark. you can at last see the light at the end of the tunnel.  The Star is not a card of guaranteed success.  It is a card, though, of hope and inspiration and you can't have success until you believe it's possible and believe in yourself.  This is harder for me than I like to admit.

Now when you're hurt and hurting, most people, shut down.  You close your heart because when it's open, why that's when someone finds a way to stab you there.  The Star card reminds us to be generous, to give, to spread the wealth, to open our hearts.  If we don't love, how can we expect love to come to us.  I have offered with no reservations and hope one day to find myself there again - generous, loving, open, free with myself.

The Star is also about experiencing peace of mind, feeling serene, just like that woman on the card.  I'm getting there, experiencing it more and more but there are so many days, to many days, when I'm lost and scared and my mind is haunted by all the thoughts of what could go wrong.  Obviously, I still have quite a bit of work to do.

May 10, 2010 - Seven of Cups

This one stumps me.  Oh wait, look around the house.  Hmmmm.  Pretty messy.  Piles.  I'll get to it when school is out, when my dad is settled, when ....  Joan Bunning says that when this card comes up, you need to look carefully at your situation and surroundings.  Are you too ordered, too controlled, too rigid?  Or perhaps your situation is too chaotic, too messy?  One way, you may need to loosen up.  The other way, you may need to run a tighter ship.  I know right now I need to get organized.  I don't have the luxury of weeks.  If my dad is as sick as it seems he might be, I don't have much time.  I need to get busy and get organized, stat.

This is a card of wishful thinking.  In the Jane Austen Tarot, this card is depicted by Harriet Smith of Emma (Modern Library Classics).  Harriet falls in love easily, too easily, and she is easily directed.  Emma Woodhouse is clever and extremely willing to direct her impressionable friend.

Wishful thinking is an interesting aspect of this card, although I'm not sure what I'm wishing for.  That it's all a mistake?  That my dad will be fine?  That I will find my way to happy?  That happy is even possible?  I'm the Queen of Wishful Thinking, hoping and dreading all.  Only I'm not sure I'm wishing much, these days.  It's enough just to get by, to get one more day.

Another puzzle to ponder on this Tarot Journey.  Not sure how it will turn out, but I'll keep you posted.

May 9, 2010 - The Ten of Swords

The Ten of Swords is one of those cards you get whose bark is worse than its bite.  Of course that's not how it feels.  There is a definite sense of melodrama with this card.  Killing a guy with 10 swords smacks a bit of overkill and we do tend to like to go to the worse case scenario.  At least I tend to.  I am constant proof that a mind is a terrible thing to waste and it is a waste to turn as I so often do, to all the things that are wrong, to the worst case.

When the Ten of Swords comes up in a reading, you have bottomed out.  There's nowhere to go but up.  You think things can't get worse (I'm Greek so for me, things can always get worse... we're good like that).  Knowing its darkest before the dawn doesn't mean you don't fret that dark, worry it like a dog a bone.  Even knowing the sun will come, there is often little darker, sadder, more hopeless, than those bleak hours before dawn.

The Ten of Swords may also be saying that you feel like a victim, that you're bemoaning your fate, feeling powerless.  I can definitely say right now I'm definitely suffering from "why me?" Not sure how I feel, actually.  Mourning I think, the way I did years ago when my father left, that same sort of inchoate sort-of grief that comes when you have no control and are losing something precious.  Of course the dad I'm mourning is not the dad I know.  The dad I'm mourning is the father of my childhood, Sonny, turned Sunny, the center of my universe, the star I was happy to revolve around.

During my counseling training I learned the why of our relationship as my parent's marriage was disintegrating.  It's called triangulation.  Two pair to the exclusion of the third.  In my early years, that was my dad and I, leaving my mom out in the cold.  Later I'd learn just how cold those outlands were.  My dad and his new wife became the pair and I was the perpetual outsider.  But the child in me still misses that golden man.  I even found myself in my midlife in love again with sun and star, with a golden man, and I was so willing to make him the center of my galaxy.  I didn't.  It ended just the same, with him leaving, now re-married.  Funny how the history we do not understand, we are doomed to repeat.

This doesn't mean that the Ten of Swords might not herald true misfortune.  Sometimes it does, but then you know when it does.  Your mind doesn't have to fabricate swords and wounds; you feel those swords, know them, and you bleed.  I'm not sure what this card means.  Is the pain I feel from imagined swords, or real?  Not really sure but I'll keep you posted.

May 8, 2010 - Two of Pentacles

The Two of Pentacles is a card about keeping everything in balance, being flexible, and having fun.  It's an odd card to get given where I find myself.  It's a practical card, the way pentacles often are.  Maybe at the core of my worries is how I'm going to manage with being with my dad during his surgeries and treatment and taking care of family, not to mention work.  It's hard to imagine, but maybe.

On the plus side, it does say things will move forward smoothly and that I will be able to cope with the demands.  It also suggests that I can handle challenges, adapt quickly, and remain open to developments.  And although it doesn't say how things will go, it does suggest I'm strong enough to handle it.

The last part, having fun, is harder to figure.  I guess I'll have to wait and see how it all plays out.

The Jane Austen Tarot, puts a slightly different spin on the card.  The Two of Coins depicts John Wiloughby conversing with his bride-to-be.  Marianne Dashwood sees him and understands at that moment, why he has not written her or tried to see her in London.  John Wiloughby courted Marianne.  She came to think he would ask her to marry him.  In fact, most of the neighborhood believed the same.  Now she realizes he will not ask her to marry him.  She understands that she has fallen in love with a man who was not true.  Marianne is the Maiden of Cups.  Emotionally, she gives all, to love, and ultimately to grief.  She does not know balance and nearly kills herself for sorrow.

The Two of Coins urges us to remain balanced, even when things are hard.  It reminds us that this too shall pass.  Though for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, we can maintain our equilibrium.

Not sure what it all means.  I'll keep you posted.

May 7, 2010 - Five of Cups

This morning I picked the Five of Cups, a familiar card for me.  I think of the one loss I can't quite seem to let go of.  Of course it must mean that.  Then I call my father.  He had an appointment with the doctor this afternoon, a polyp.  Colon cancer is the worry.  Colon cancer is likely.  Death we push away to the side, we say "not yet, this is not his time," although of course there's every chance it is.  The Five of Cups is the perfect card, and all those times Death came up in a reading seems oddly prophetic.

Going to end with a W.S. Merwin poem.  I was not a good daughter.  Maybe I was the best I could be, all things considered, as I think he was the best father he could be, given where he came from, the hard hands, the deep hurts.

Yesterday My friend says I was not a good son you understand I say yes I understand he says I did not go to see my parents very often you know and I say yes I know even when I was living in the same city he says maybe I would go there once a month or maybe even less I say oh yes he says the last time I went to see my father I say the last time I saw my father he says the last time I saw my father he was asking me about my life how I was making out and he went into the next room to get something to give me oh I say feeling again the cold of my fathers hand the last time he says and my father turned in the doorway and saw me look at my wristwatch and he said you know I would like you to stay and talk with me oh yes I say but if you are busy he said I don't want you to feel that you have to just because I'm here I say nothing he says my father said maybe you have important work you are doing or maybe you should be seeing somebody I dont want to keep you I look out the window my friend is older than I am he says and I told my father it was so and I got up and left him then you know though there was nowhere I had to go and nothing I had to do W. S. Merwin

May 6, 2010 - The Tower

Again and again, when I ask about happiness, come reminders of change and endings.  It seems I must come to know the inexorability of change in my very bones, in the song of my blood, to great with yes what seems bad and what seems good.
So says the Tower when it comes up in a reading.

The Tower speaks of sudden change, happy surprises but more often it seems, startling ones, the ones we would avoid if we could, except we can't.  We can stay in bed and pull the covers over our head and still Fate will find us, for good or ill.  I think I have this and yet I know in my heart, I don't.  Not yet.  And until I do, change will come like lightning and fire and my tower will have to be destroyed in order for me to move on.

The Tower is also about releasing, not just explosive anger but emotions too.  It speaks of a time to let life break through our pretenses and ego defenses.  It urges us to let go, let go, all wishes and hopes and fears.  Let go.  Keep that grasp on things loose and easy, lest they be violently yanked from your clutching fingers.

The Tower is also about falling down, being humbled, toppling from the heights (oh, I have ben there, still falling it seems some days), suffering a blow.  Yet it can also herald a revelation.  You suddenly can realize the truth, have a burst of insight, get answers at last, see everything, in a flash.  The Tower is a measure of how we handle change.  If we flow with it, it does not bring total destruction.  If we resist change, then change comes explosively, with devastation.

May 5, 2010 - Two of Cups

Today the Two of Cups arrived.  It was actually the second card, 

I picked, one to clarify  the first which was, come on, you know what it is ... Death.  In the Two of Cups, a man and a woman stare at one another lovingly, ready to share the cups of their emotions.  When this card comes up, the beauty and power that is created when two come together is in the fore.  It isn't time to hold yourself apart.  It's the time to join in partnerships.  Connections are what's important.  If you are in conflict, look for a truce and a chance to forgive and be forgiven.  Here's where the card speaks to me - in a friendship that has been sorely tested, a deep and unspoken hurt, and forgiveness which I cannot seem to muster but have to if I'm going to move on.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Two of Cups depicts Catherine Morland and Henry Tilney when they first meet.  Catherine is young and smitten.  Henry is amused and intrigued.  It is a card that depicts the initial attraction but not whether the relationship has any staying power.  It tells you to focus on the other but with clear eyes, to what is as opposed to what could be.  Stay balanced no matter how infatuated you are.  

So how does Death and endings relate to the Two of Cups?  Not really sure but I promise I'll keep you posted.

May 4, 2010 - Seven of Swords

According to Joan Bunning, the Seven of Swords is related to the  Five of Swords, the card I get yesterday, "because both involve separation from others."  Hmmmmmm.  We're not really sure about the figure on the Five of Swords, he might be stealing or gathering, but the figure on the Seven of Swords is definitely up to no good and pretty pleased with himself.

The Seven of Swords is about running away, adopting a lone-wolf style, and hidden dishonor.  I can definitely relate to "running away."  The world seems a bit overwhelming and I have a craving for alone time that is becoming a hunger.  I don't want to deal with things as much as I want to run away, live alone, make the world all about my art and writing.  Even my dreams of the house I want is more studio than house and has little that would be comfortable for others, just the barest of bones.  Do I want independence?  Hell yeah.  Although do I really want it?  That's a harder question.  I know I need connection to others to keep me real and present and embodied.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Seven of Quills (Swords) depicts Mrs. Norris of Mansfield Park.  Mrs. Norris is a malignant character -- mean-spirited, selfish, saying one thing but definitely doing  another, putting self-interest first, above everything.   In the Toth deck, the key word for this card is Futility.  In the Rider-Waite deck, it's not such a bad card, calling it "a country life after competence has been secured."

What Would Jane Do?
"Listen carefully to what others say and observe even more carefully what they do before you trust them with the secrets of your heart -- or your pet ideas." (p. 111)

Not sure what that means for me today.  Guess we'll see.  I'll keep you posted.

May 3, 2010 - Five of Swords

I asked what challenge I would come up against today, and this is the card that came.  The Five of Swords is a card about self-interest, discord, and open dishonor.  The figure on the card is gathering swords.  He's got a slight, sly smile on his face which makes you wonder if he's stealing them.  The Five of Swords is about just that, setting aside the concerns of others and looking out for number one, you.  Now sometimes, we have to think of ourselves, especially when we are hurting or in danger.  Also, too, if we have given and given, depleted ourselves so much, we must take some time for ourselves to heal.  But sometimes, we want what we want and we don't really care who it hurts and how.  We forget that "we" is not just this body we inhabit, not just those we love, but all the world.  We are all connected and what hurts one, hurts all.

This is also a card of experiencing discord.  This can range from finding yourself in a hostile environment, to creating a hostile environment.  You can feel people are set against one another or you yourself can have an "us versus them" mentality.  Either way, you are experiencing conflict.

Finally, the Five of Swords can be about witnessing open dishonor.  You may have lost your moral compass, persuaded yourself that the ends justify the means,  Maybe you have sacrificed your integrity, lost sight of what is right.  Whatever victory comes this way is a dubious one.  Do I want to win at any cost?  Oh I want what I want, but I won't hurt someone else to get it.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Five of swords is depicted by a scene from the novel Emma.  A group has gone strawberry picking.  In the afternoon, resting, conversing, something hurtful is said by Emma.  It is clever but it is unkind, and it hurts a woman who has lost her social standing in the town, someone Emma has known all her life.  Emma is called to the worst in herself by Frank Churchill, a young man who is clever and calculating, or can be.  Emma brings out the worst in him.  They are two who should never be matched.  Luckily, they have other loves to settle them, ground them, help them move beyond their own selfishness.

It's an interesting card, determined to make one think if s/he has been on the receiving end or the giving end of verbal assaults.  Not sure what it means specifically, but I suspect I'll find out.  I'll keep you posted.

May 2, 2010 - Death

Hmmmm.  Death again.  To quote Roy Neary of Close Encounters of the Third Kind: "This means something.  This is important."  Obviously I need the remedial Tarot class since the deck needs to bludgeon me with the Death card for me to grasp a vital lesson needed to come to a place of more consistent and more constant happiness.  So, yet again, let's explore what Death means in the tarot.

Were this Hollywood, I might get a bit nervous with Death's regular appearance.  The Death card though very rarely has to do with physical death (thank goodness, otherwise it might time to beef up my health insurance policy).  We're all going to get there sooner or later, one of the blessings or curses of being human.  Death's appearance though doesn't suggest I need to worry specifically.

The Death card is about endings, completing a chapter, concluding unfinished business.  It urges you to put the past behind you and it reminds you that you have to close one door before you can open another (apparently Death is a bit of a stickler for manners).  I do have one bit of unfinished business I cling to, rather willfully I must say.  I'm pretty obedient, until I'm not.  No telling what will make me dig in my heels but when I do there's no real moving me.  This bit of old business has been a sticking point for me for a few years now.  Although I'm pretty sure genetics played the biggest role in my recent health issues, I suspect this stubborn holding on to what no longer serves played its part too.  Maybe it is indeed time to let go, move on, and don't look back.

The Death card also comes up when you're going through a transition.  I have to laugh because really, as human beings, when aren't we transitioning.  We think we're stable, sure.  We think the foundations we have built are firm, capable of withstanding any shock.  And life comes out of the blue and knocks you off your feet.  It can be a wonderful tumble or the worst, it's still change and it still messes with us.  The Death card can signal a change in status, moving from the known to the unknown, being cast adrift.  Recently I heard a song from a band called Frightened Rabbit.  The song, "Swim Until You Can't See Land," made me wonder if sometimes we don't just swim, cast ourselves adrift, hoping we can find our way back.  I get the feeling that's just what I did and all this foundering and floundering has nothing to do with the gods but with myself.  I needed to change, to find my way, and I had tried every way but this one last trust in the ocean to save me.  It always has before so why not now, when I'm as lost as ever been, even situated as I am in a marriage, family, work, world.

The Death card can also be about eliminating excess, cutting out what isn't necessary.  It asks us to shed our old attitudes, concentrate on essentials.  Get down to your bare bones and I suppose sing them back to life, at least that's what the Wild Woman would do.  I have had for the last few months, since my heart surgery actually, a desire to winnow, to shed, to find what my essentials are and focus on those, to let go of all this inconsequential stuff and concentrate on what matters.

Finally, Death is about experiencing inexorable forces, and I suppose I would add, accepting those forces.  There is a difference.  When the Death card comes up you may find yourself in the path of sweeping changes, being caught in the inescapable (this pretty much sums me up the past few years).  It tells you what has come cannot be avoided and so your only choice is to go through, ride your fate, and see where it takes you.  I've been doing this, more or less gracefully, more or less willingly (grace and willingness are directly proportional) for a while but apparently need to do more.  And I may be coming to the place of accepting the inevitable and moving on.  If I want a card other than Death, I better get to it.

May 1, 2010 - Seven of Coins

The Seven of Coins is a card about assessment, reward, and direction change.  It's a card that urges you to take a time out and appreciate your handiwork.  The man in the card has worked hard and the fruits of his labor are there for everyone to see.  He could harvest and this card often talks of rewards coming your way, especially after hard work.  He could also take a breath and assess if he's on his true path., and adjust his course accordingly.  When we're busy, sometimes we don't take the time time to reflect on what we're doing and why.  We have to take stock in key moments, and when Seven of Coins shows up in a reading, this is one of those key moments.

The Seven of Coins sometimes arrives when we are at a crossroads.  It's so easy to continue along a familiar path; so much harder to change course, to forge a new path in a new direction.  When this card comes up in a reading you have the opportunity to make a course correction if you need to, or a complete about-face if that is required.  Change is still possible without the wholesale destruction of the Tower.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Seven of Coins is depicted by Robert Martin of Emma (Modern Library Classics).  He is a hardworking gentleman farmer who falls in love with a young woman of questionable parentage, Harriet Smith.  She refuses him at the urging of her new friend, Emma Woodhouse.  Ultimately, Harriet comes to happily accept Robert Martin's proposal, but until then Robert Martin works his fields and goes on, hoping but not pining for what has been denied.

What is most interesting to me about the Jane Austen Tarot is how often the stories depicted by the cards have a strong resonance for me.  I too loved and was refused.  I went on, continued, worked hard.  I did grieve overmuch.  I was not as focused as Robert Martin.  And I gave up, I suppose, unlike that hard working young man.  I don't know.  Maybe my goal is not unachievable.  I do think though you can't lose sight of yourself, your land, your labors, your life.  Even when your goal seems out of reach, you go on, live life to the fullest.

What Would Jane Do?
"But of all things this card preaches, patience is the greatest message.  If you give up on something you really want, you will berate yourself for a much longer period than the one you are spending wishing for something to come to fruition.  Understand that what is meant to happen will happen when the time is ripe, and your continued application is the only element that will move the desired situation closer.