March 17, 2010 - The Chariot

I'm tired. It's not just the time change although as anyone with fragile sleep cycles will tell you, such changes can and often wreak havoc. While most people grouse and grumble in bed, I can wake hours early, 4 am which was the old 3 am. Don't ask me why I go to this extreme. I couldn't tell you. It's just how I roll.

No, the time change isn't helping but its more than that. It's more than the effort needed to get the family going in the morning, to make lunches and breakfast, to get everyone out with a smooth start, a smile, all the things I never had growing up the responsibility for myself mine for as long as I can remember. Allergies aren't helping. The problem with the full flush of spring is the stuffy nose and headaches that I can't take anything for. I love the rush of spring but dread all this full flowering. I'd love a nice soaking rain right about now but there's little chance of it.

I suspect the year anniversary of heart attacks and bypass coming up has something to do with it. Every episode of shortness of breath, every slight bit of pressure in the sternum, even the tiredness all take me back to a year ago. I wonder if I've done what I was supposed to. Have I integrated my lessons. Can I learn from this and never have to go through it again or am I destined, like Cheney, to keep hearing from my heart?

So my tired question lacks specificity. I'm back to the tried and true: What do I need to know today for my health and happiness? The Chariot comes up.

It takes great skill to be a charioteer. You must be light on your feet, sound of body and mind. You must have a feel for the reins and a feel for your horses. You must have balance. If you don't you won't survive the ride. And you need to know where you're going. That's been coming up for me a lot lately. Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing? Did I learn what I needed to learn? Have I held on to things long past their time? Where do I need to be? The one thing I don't seem to know is where I'm going.

The Chariot is about achieving victory, reaching your goal, beating the competition, coming out on top. Hmmmm. It is a card about using your will, being determined to succeed and focusing your intent, letting nothing distract you. Okay. Sound advice but what is my intent? To lead a happy and healthy life? To be a published novelist? To love and be loved? All of the above, and more. I'm nothing if not hopeful and expectant. It is also a card about asserting yourself, feeling self-confident and having faith in yourself. Self-confidence isn't always easy for me, especially in the realm of relationships but I suppose I can try. Finally it is a card of achieving hard control, of assuming the reins of power and getting your way, going your way. A direction at last.... could it be? Here's hoping. I'll keep you posted.