March 11, 2010 - The Nine of Wands

When this card came up, I said "Oh no." I shuffled it back into the deck and considered asking again. It's not a bad card. It's just speaks of work. A lot of work. And it seems I've been doing nothing but working. More seems inconceivable, and yet....

The Nine of Wands is a card of defending yourself. Being wary, guarded. Since balance is my challenge, I think I have to weigh being open with being guarded, hopeful and protected. I'm certainly working on this. Even the one place where I find defense the hardest, the one person I have the most trouble guarding against, I'm slowly coming to walk the road between.

The Nine of Wands is about persevering and persisting, despite setbacks. When you get knocked down, you stand back up. You keep trying, seeing what it is you need to see to the end. For me, there is one thing that I need to see to its natural conclusion, even though sometimes it has been the most painful thing I've ever done in my fifty plus years. I have to write this particular story to its finish and read it to the very last word. Not because I'm masochistic, although it sometimes feels that way, but because what I'm learning and where it's leading me, is important for my heart, my soul, my life.

The Nine of Wands is also about stamina. You hold fast, despite fatigue. You draw on hidden reserves. You hold yourself together, life, through sheer force of will. I've been doing that for the last few years. I suppose I can do it for however many more I need to. Some days I'm so damn tired but I keep on reaching deep because what choice is there?

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Nine of Candlesticks depicts the daughter of Lady Susan taking her future into her own hands by reaching out for help to the one man who can save her. She's afraid but is taking action, even at great personal risk, even though told not. Frederica dares and that too is part of this card. There is at the core of the card, the courage of convictions. You know what you have to do and you have the courage and strength to do it.

In the Jane Austen