January 31, 2010 - Judgment

Today I drew Judgment. Again. I wanted to ask "How many times are you going to tell me this? I get it." Of course, if I really got it, the card wouldn't keep coming up. Like one of the ladies of a Jane Austen novel, the iron hand may be softened a bit by the velvet glove, but you still feel the weight of that iron hand.

What is depicted on the Judgment card is the Final Judgment, when living and dead are called and the faithful rise to heaven and the rest well, let's just say if you had your druthers, you'd choose to rise. When it comes up in a reading it suggests you might need to make a judgement (separate the wheat from the chaff, make an honest appraisal, take a stand, get off the fence, make the hard choices); hear a call; finding absolution. You may feel reborn and transformed, see everything in a new light, find joy. If I could set my intent to one thing, it would be this.

In the dictionary, synonyms for judgment are 1. determination. 2. discrimination, discernment, perspicacity; sagacity, wisdom, intelligence, prudence. As I searched the definitions I came to a site that reflected on The Meaning of Judgment one of the courses of A Little Course of Miracles. Here judgment is seen in a more religious context. The first judgment is ego judgment. The fourth is God's judgment on Judgment Day. The third is the one that spoke to me most as I read, was the third type of judgment, the Holy Spirit's perception of everything as an expression of love or a call to love. I have been judgmental. I have labeled the loss of someone as unfair, as wrong. How could he let me go? The last few years have been marked by the stages of grief until I finally accepted (an acceptance frankly made easier by heart attacks and bypass surgery. It will tend to put things in perspective) and the healing at last could begin.

We are "still friends." I found this torture. It still hurts at times. But as I read this what came to me is that I reacted with ego. I did not see it as a call to love. And I will say I was not loving. I possessed determination, but not sagacity, wisdom, intelligence, prudence. If I had, perhaps things would have ended much differently. It seems love is all you need. All of this is love, either the expression or the call. I can stay in an ego place and demand my fair share, give this much for the same in return, or I can just love. I think in the end it costs me less than the strict measure, the balanced ledgers, the tit for tat.

In the Jane Austen Tarot the Judgement card depicts the end of Emma - the happy couple, George and Emma; wife to be, Harriet Smith, loved and in love at last; Mrs. Weston, pregnant, married, living her own happy life; and Emma's father, who decides it is best to change his thoughts on marriage for his youngest, Emma, choosing her happiness and finding his own. Love does that, makes allowances, bends, chooses love. I was so obsessed with fair that I forgot to love and so I lost and was called to love again. Haven't been able to but maybe I'm getting there at last.

January 30, 2010 - Four of Wands

Looks like a celebration ahead! Hurray. Maybe it's my upcoming trip to the Santa Barbara Film Festival. Maybe it's the friends I'm planning to meet there. Maybe it's a surprise, something wonderful I can't even conceive of now. The best events in my life came just like this, out of the blue, completely unthought of, inconceivable until they happened then inexorable once they occurred. They felt like the hand of fate, the touch of God, miracles, plain and simple.

When the Four of Wands comes up in a reading, it speaks of celebration, of freedom, of excitement. And, as opposed to trying to figure it out, plan it, worry it, I think I'm just going to see what comes and relish all of it, in every form.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Four of Wands (Candlesticks) depicts the weddings of Pride and Prejudice - Jane and Charles, Darcy and Elizabeth. Not that this card promises weddings. Rather, it is the end of one cycle, a foundation complete, and moving on to something new. A relationship can move to the next level, is moving to the next level, but nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed. I get that now in a way I never did. You can want, I did, but all that wanting, as powerful as it is, doesn't make it so. Relationships are living things with their own fates. We think we drive them but when two come together, lover, friends, parent-child, etc., something is born and the third, the child, has its own destiny. I never realized this so completely until I loved and lost and kept on loving. And it didn't die, but lived as something different and keeps evolving, surprising me.

What Would Jane do?

"Rash decisions do not often result in prudent results, and success and achievement are rarely achieved without effort. Yet people continue to insist that prosperity and happiness are worth the expenditure -- especially in retrospect. With humans being the malleable creatures that they are, present happiness always trumps past pain." p. 62 May it be so.

January 29, 2010 - Temperance

This is not the first time this card has come up for me. Although I may look easy going, I'm not. I was an outwardly obedient child with a fierce sense of fairness, and wild emotions that I kept a cap on but always seethed under my surface. Ask my mother and she will tell you I was a wonderful child but not such a docile and even-tempered adult. She talks of the young me with regret. I am far happier now with choice and possibility. Those early years seemed long, dark, in some ways prison, always having to keep control.

The Temperance card is about balance, about maintaining the middle ground. It is the eye in the middle of the hurricane of life, something I can relate to, for I understand as an air sign the ferocious winds inside me. Balance for me is not just desirable but necessary, vital. Reducing stress is a critical part of maintaining a healthy heart and, after being broken open once, I do not want such a violent call to moderation and the golden mean again.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Temperance card depicts Emma Woodhouse and Jane Fairfax of Austen's novel, Emma. They are in a sense, opposites, and each by the end of the novel, has to integrate aspects of the other in order to achieve their dreams, in both cases love, but not just, also a rightness to the world, Emma with a father still cared for in his comfort, for Jane her Aunts knowing a better life after losing their social position. The world of Highbury rights itself and both women become better for adopting some of the traits of their counterpart.

What Would Jane Do?

"The Angel that appears on this (and most) Temperance cards reminds us that we humans can invoke the heavenly realms by virtuous actions. Tempering ourselves with concerted effort and a devotion to inner and outer balances brings us one step closer to that angelic being." p. 40

January 28, 2010 - The Chariot

When the major arcana consistently come up in a reading, you can be pretty sure you're in the midst of major transformation. Looking back over my cards since I first began this tarot journey, quite a few of the major arcana have appeared. The Chariot, though, is a new one for me. I don't get it often, perhaps because I don't feel mastery of my life. It's not particularly obvious in this picture, but driving a chariot requires skill and balance and ultimate control. It is precarious vehicle which can easily topple. In battle, it was devastating and marked a turning point in military strategy.

The Rider-Waite depictions of the tarot are quite detailed and heavy with symbolism. Waite, a member of The Golden Dawn, drew upon the Western Mystery traditions of numerology, astrology, color, Kaballah, for each card. I tend not to focus on the specific symbolism but rather a certain gestalt, the feeling I get from the card, understanding the story it tells will always be influenced by my story of the moment. Today, The Chariot speaks of mastery and accomplishment, two things I don't always grant myself. I still feel new, young, unsure. I want but these days have less focus, find it harder to keep my eye on the prize. I possess a strong will but these days am not always sure what to direct it toward and I'm not at all sure of success.

According the Joan Bunning of learntarot.com, The Chariot represents achieving victory, using your will and determination, asserting yourself, and achieving a hard control. This last is interesting for it speaks of mastering emotions, curbing impulses, maintaining discipline. It suggests I know what I want and that I possess the tools and the talent to achieve it. Post-bypass, it's hard to imagine any of that is mine. I feel tossed about by fate and have little feel that I control my destiny.

The Jane Austen Tarot always puts a different spin on each card. In this case, The Chariot is depicted by Mary Crawford of Mansfield Park. Mary Crawford is a beautiful, accomplished young woman who knows what she wants but is not afraid to bend toward her heart (some). She wants wealth so when she comes to the Bertram household with her brother Henry, she sets her sights on the oldest son, Thomas, but finds it's the younger that calls to her heart. His plans to be a clergyman do not suit Mary in the least and she does ridicule that profession and tries her best to sway him. Still, they reach for one another, love, until Mary reveals the hard, grasping nature of her heart and wavering morals and Edmund sees at last past her beauty and charm to realize she is not the woman for him. Mary makes no apologies for who she is and what she wants. It is a trait both appealing and repellent.

Mary wants what she wants, perhaps more out of pride than love. It is an interesting thought and one to keep in mind as my heart still stays fixed on the true north it can't have. It is an emotional card, a card of riding full tilt towards one's desires. I am learning these days how exhausting that is, how it sweeps me up and carries me away and yet also drains me, narrows me, until my world is only that race and chase. It is also a card of resilience. When the chariot overturns, the rider, if he can gets back on, continues. I do not feel particularly resilient these days but I am here after several heart attacks and quadruple bypass surgery so maybe I am more resilient than I believe.

What Would Jane Do?

"When this card appears in a reading, it may be a good time to re-evaluate your goals. Are your aspirations heartfelt, or simply a mindless continuation of old objectives that are no longer meaningful?" p. 26 Certainly something to think about.

January 27, 2010 - The Ace of Pentacles

The Aces in the tarot represent elemental energies. The Ace of Pentacles is a symbol of possibility in the area of prosperity, abundance, trust, security and groundedness. In readings, it shows that a seed of productivity has been planted in your life although you may not yet recognize it, nor may you know the form it will take. It is a gift we won't know until it arrives.

The first thing that strikes me reading Joan Bunning's site, learntarot.com, is "proceeding with trust," specifically "believing in the good faith others." I am learning these days, have been for some times actually, how to have faith in those I call friend, especially in our friendship. I have learned these past few years that what we feel for others may not be reciprocated. I know most people get that early on. I'm remedial when it comes to relationships. I keep looking for proof and faith means there won't be proof. That's why it's called faith.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Ace of Coins is represented by a coin atop the novel Sense and Sensibility. Jane's novels deal with balance or lack there of. Sense and Sensibility is no different. It pits pragmatism and good sense against sensibility and sensitivity, Elinor Dashwood versus Marinanne. Both are disappointed in love but one goes on, lives a good life, which the other, Marianne, sensibility, comes near death for love of an unworthy man. In the end Elinor gets the man she loves with her good sense and dignity intact. Marianne comes to love and marry a man she disdained at the beginning of the novel as being to old and to prosaic. Both find love but it seems Austen is recommending the more pragmatic approach as opposed to sensitivity.

What Would Jane Do?

"People's thoughts can change in the blink of an eye - or with an insinuating comment from a parsimonious wife. Wishing is not possessing, and verbal offers are not money in hand. If there's something you want, expectation alone will not provide it. Move steadily and surely - and even then, you may not reach your desired goal. But you will be at least one step closer to it." p. 125

January 26, 2010 - The Two of Pentacles

The man of the Two of Pentacles deftly juggles two coins. He does so deftly, easily, with a dance in his step. He can juggle all the irons in his fire and is glad to do so. He has the tools and the talents.

When the Two of Pentacles comes up in a reading, he is telling you that you too have the tools and the talents. All those thing's you're juggling? A piece of cake. Yeah you want to make sure if you can deftly handle three and four things, and maybe with a push, five and six, that you don't take on too much, lest all your coins fall.

The Two of Pentacles is a card of balance. It reminds us to be flexible, supple. It is not a card of barrel through but deftly doing what needs to be done, stopping, moving forward, darting left, darting right. The ships behind speak of the ups and downs of life, in this case easily navigated. We can do it and sometimes you just need that little reminder. According to Joan Bunning at learntarot.com writes that this card is a also one of fun, laughter, and good times. It can also indicate the far extreme, overstimulation and exhaustion, but in general it is a good time card of skill and mastery and enjoyment.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Two of Coins is represented by Marianne Dashwood and John Willoughby of Sense and Sensibility. Specifically it is the moment he snubs her in London and she realizes that the passion and love that they both seemed to share is no longer, that he is choosing riches and comfort over love and her. It does not possess the same sort of joy and capability in this deck. It's not quite such a feel good card. In this deck it seems to speak of balancing pragmatic physical concerns with concerns of the heart, money and love, place and position and the heart.

What Would Jane Do?

"Our common sense does not always walk hand-in-hand with our hearts. We are often torn between our desires and our needs. Sometimes we make decisions we regret, and not only when we follow our hearts. We can momentarily be so swayed by pragmatic considerations that we agree to things we later regret. Sometimes we must even withdraw our word, and that causes its own brand of shame and heartache. Life turns us in some strange directions, but that does not mean we can remain static - because that is no life at all." p. 127

January 25, 2010 - The Three of Cups

This past week I've learned the many sides of gray, the many rhythms and rhymes of rain. Today the sky is light enough you think the sun is coming through but the gray stretches tight over the face of it and you know deep in the heart of you there will be no blue sky, no weak winter sun, just above washed the color of dirty concrete. The rain comes mostly in fits, quiet steady sobs mixed with full-on tantrums. I suspect the sky may be as tired of weeping and seeping as I have been some days these last few years.

I will add that it has been a week of growing isolation. I must make efforts to connect with people beyond my immediate sphere. So what's up with the Three of Cups, the three Graces, a card of friendship and revelry? Is my tarot deck being ironic?

I'm a bookish, introverted woman. I cherish my deep connections but they're hard to initiate. Still, I have come to understand that I must do my bit to meet people in the middle, as hard as it sometimes can be. I've dreamed of a close friendship, of three friends who dance as one, but I've never quite mastered it. So, I say again, what's up with the Three of Cups?

Here's what Joan Bunning writes at learntarot.com: "The Three of Cups can signify a friend or the feelings associated with friendship. This card can represent community - the network of support created when we interact with others. It can be any group in which the members feel a bond. When you see the Three of Cups, examine your attachments to the groups in your life from an emotional point of view. Consider reaching out to give or receive help. This card stands for all forms of support, including formal aid such as counseling and other social services."

Okay, so I have to reach out, again. It is an act, I guess, that never ends, a destination you never reach beyond a moment of "ah" and "yes" before again moving on, reaching out, trying to make connections, trying to keep them. Maybe it was always this way. Maybe this time in particular, with great distances and technology to bridge it, shows how close we can be and yet ephemeral that closeness can be. And here's another thought. If we believe we are good friends with someone, are we? Doesn't the body and soul of friendship require nurturing, feeding, sustenance to survive? Is there a point we give up and say there's no use searching through the rubble, there's nothing living left?

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Three of Cups is depicted by three women of Mansfield Park - Maria Bertram, Julia Bertram, and Mary Crawford. They make a pretty picture, those three Graces, and they seem, on the surface, affable, connected, friends. But beneath the veneer each is interested only in her concerns. They sing together prettily when it suits but when the song is done, so is the friendship. This card holds then the energy of the friends you think you have and don't, and the friends you never you knew you had until you need them and you realize that particular grace is yours. I am at this point, looking at my life, at the friends I thought I had and realizing they are mere acquaintances and wondering who the acquaintances might be who are better friends than I ever imagined. Everything is new. Everything is uncertain. The wheel goes round and round and all we can do is turn with it.

Maybe it's the gray day, more rain in a week and more of it that never seems to end, but this bright card has its shadow and I cannot find it in me to rejoice in receiving it. I have a friend who looks at cards still as "good" and "bad." My lesson seems, at least at this time in life, to be that every card is what we make of it.

January 24, 2010 - The Magician

Today I tried to expand my question. "What do I need to know today for my health and happiness and for the health and happiness for those I love?"

The Magician is a lovely card. There is something about that hand up-raised channeling divine energy and the other pointing to the earth to manifest his will that I find a bit thrilling, like that moment at a magic show when you are full of doubt and then with a sweep of hands and a muttering of magic words, the impossible happens. I will tell you a secret though, about this card and me. I project its power onto others, especially the men in my life, but I do not own its power for myself. Oh he is lovely the Magician, that intelligent face sure of his own power. I almost fall in love with him. No, not almost; I do fall in love in love with him, eager to be the yin to his yang, the High Priestess to this Magician, The Empress to the Emperor. (Can you tell my soul card is The Lovers?)

The Magician symbolizes the power to tap universal forces and use them for creative purposes. He is not afraid to act. He believes in himself and is willing to put that belief on the line. Remembering the divine source of his power, the Magician can do anything he sets his mind to. He creates magic and miracles.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Magician is depicted by Henry Crawford of the novel Mansfield Park. This is an interesting choice for what often is presented as a "good" card in a reading. Henry Crawford possesses prodigious talents but he does not apply himself or use those talents for anything worthy. Perhaps the wisest thing he does is try to woo Fanny's hand but when she rejects him, he goes off in a sulk to soothe his ego, hooking-up with poor, weak Maria Bertram. Given the time, Henry can survive such an encounter relatively unscathed but Maria, a married woman who leaves her husband, will never again know the company of good society. Her life is ruined for passion and a man who didn't love her and chose her undoing for his own pleasure.

This is an interesting spin on this card. It suggests I have the power and focus to achieve what I want but do I have the discernment to use those skills wisely? That's a difficult question and I'm not sure I know the answer. I think I am using my powers for good, mine and other's, but maybe I'm not. Maybe I am going only after what I selfishly want, no matter the cost. It may not be a cost I pay but another. Hmmmmm. Sobering.

January 23, 2010 - The Five of Swords

This card was a bit of a surprise. It reflects the themes of dis-honor, discord, and self interest. So when it comes up after a question about promoting happy friendships, it gets you to thinking. Is this me? The people around me? It definitely reflects the attitude at work, at least among the administrators. Less money and more budget cuts means every man for himself. They're scrambling and we'll be left to pick up the pieces. Nothing new there but every time the scarce times come around you hope this time will be different. So far, it hasn't been.

This isn't helping. So I go back to Bunning's description of the card. Self-Interest. The questions I have been asking have centered around what I need to know for the health and happiness of my heart. I've focused on myself but maybe that isn't what I need to be doing. Maybe there's another question I should be asking. Maybe my concerns should reach out to family and friends and past them to the world.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Five of Swords depicts a scene from the novel Emma. A party has gathered to pick wild strawberries and after, as they talk, Frank Churchill spurs Emma to make a cutting remark -- clever, true, and hurtful to someone who didn't deserve such hurtfulness. The remark earns Emma Mr. Knightley's censure. Emma regrets her remarks and makes amends.

I'm still not sure what the card means. Am I in danger of saying something I shouldn't? Am I so self-absorbed I am focusing on my narrow happiness at the expense of others? Am I acting dishonorably or is someone acting that way toward me?

I guess we'll see.

January 22, 2010 - The King of Cups

Court cards are always tough for me to interpret. I'm certainly getting a lot of practice for they come up a lot in my readings. Each suit represents a particular realm - thoughts, creative energies, emotions, the material world - and each court card represents some aspects of this energy, either new and hopeful, like the Page, balancing the edges, like the Knight, deeply integrating the best of the suit, like the Queen, and expressing those traits in the world, like the King.

The suit of Cups involves the emotional realm. The King of this suit is wise, calm, diplomatic, caring and tolerant. When he comes up in a reading you can rest assured that you will be called on to demonstrate these traits by people and circumstances you encounter. That you possess the abilities to do this is not in question. What is in question is if you will express the best of yourself, your natural gifts, rise above pettiness and your own hungers and be the wise ruler you were meant to be.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the King of Cups is depicted by Charles Bingley of Pride and Prejudice. Charles Bingley and Jane Bennett develop an attachment which is thwarted by the undue influence of family and friends. When things are resolved and Jane and Charles are engaged, Mr. Bennett says: "You are a good girl;" he replied, "and I have great pleasure in thinking you will be so happily settled. I have not a doubt of your doing very well together. Your tempers are by no means unlike. You are each of you so complying, that nothing will ever be resolved on; so easy, that every servant will cheat you; and so generous, that you will always exceed your income." Both Jane and Charles are pleasant, peaceful people, good tempered and kind-hearted. They are a blessing to know and will no doubt live a peaceful and happy life together. I will say I am no Jane Bennett but perhaps I would benefit from some of her equanimity. I am no Charles Bingley. Frankly I am more Mr. Darcy, without the natural charm and openness that makes Bingley a friend to all. But maybe, like Darcy, I might do better to practice openness and affability, to be more exterior as opposed to interior. I have been called "still waters," but perhaps I don't have to be just that. Maybe I can be still waters and babbling brook, raging river, welcoming pool. I do know that I lost a chance at love because I was too afraid to trust in the beneficence of life and the heart, mine and his.

What Would Jane Do?

"An amiable personality is one who is welcome everywhere, and if that person is well-off, so much the better. He will be sought avidly after. He might not make the best general, but society does not demand and iron will and determination. In fact, it often decries such characteristics. If you wish to make yourself well-loved, be open and affable." p. 100

January 21, 2010 - The Moon

I love the moon. I search for it in the sky. I follow its cycles from waxing and waning. I always have, even as a child. One of my first memories is standing in my crib, moonlight streaming through a high window in my make-shift room (the second is of the sun, specifically a golden shaft of sunlight, dancing dust motes, on a back porch of a Wisconsin home, the short summer turning everything outside a lush, exuberant green). The Moon card in the tarot is a card of fears and illusions and dreams and sometimes it is hard to resolve these conflicting views, the love of the moon's beauty and changing face, and the less lovely aspects of this card.

When The Moon comes up in a reading it speaks of fearfulness, inner demons, a lack of courage, overcome by anxieties. I am fearful, especially of losing things that are precious to me. There's not much I hold that precious and have lost one of them. the world goes on. But then that wasn't my fear. My fear was living without and it has been, in many ways, as terrible as I believed it would be.

The Moon can also mean that you are believing illusions, yours or those spun by others. Again, this too could be true. I am a dreamer and I spin futures, invest in them as if they are nows instead of mere possibilities. I deceive myself and find sometimes I don't even know what was, what is, let alone what will be.

Another aspect of The Moon is opening up to the unconscious. It can be a time of vivid dreams, and an opening to a more magical, mystical world. Pacifica did that for me. I learned that I write myself, the my stories are the stuff of dreams and that I can plumb them for my growth and self-understanding. It isn't always pretty, but dreams know, stories know. They always have.

Finally, The Moon can signal a time of lost direction and purpose. You can be disoriented, confused, easily distracted. You wander aimlessly, lost, not sure of your way. This too resonates. I no longer spin futures but that has left me with no futures at all. I walk step by step but I never look up to see where I might be going. You cannot spend all your time with your eyes just on the horizon, just as you cannot spend all your time watching each step, never knowing where you are headed.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, The Moon card is depicted by Emma. It is night and she is standing before a basin of water. She is plagued by her own fears and foolishness, what she thought and she is realizing are her deepest feelings. She thought she was immune to love but comes in that dark night to realize she loves George Knightley and that she may have lost him already, so little did she know her own heart. The Moon card represents mysteries and their unfolding. It can also signify delusions and fears of the unknown. There is an aspect of psychic visions that comes with this card, but it demands a balancing act of being open without being carried away. Ah Jane, balance again and again, in any and every way. "When you receive The Moon, your feelings run deep and true. They are likely to be complicated, complex, and occasionally, overwhelming. On th other hand, they -- and you -- will never b accused of being boring."

What Would Jane Do?

"The point where our emotions are most engaged is often the precise intersection wherein our follies are most pronounced. Rationality is a quality to be striven for, but it is hardly the domain of those in love -- or those who believe themselves to be in love. For who can determine true love from false affection at the pinnacle of attraction?" p. 48

January 20, 2010 - The Wheel of Fortune

"Fortune presents gifts not according to the book
Fortune presents gifts not according to the book
When you expect whistles it's flutes
When you expect flutes it's whistles
What various paths are followed in distributing honours and possesions
She gives awards to some and penitent's cloaks to others
When you expect whistles it's flutes
When you expect flutes it's whistles
Sometimes she robs the chief goatherd of his cottage and and goatpen
And to whomever she fancies the lamest goat has born two kids
When you expect whistles it's flutes
When you expect flutes it's whistles
Because in a village a poor lad has stolen one egg
He swings in the sun and another gets away with a thousand crimes
When you expect whistles it's flutes
When you expect flutes it's whistles" Dead Can Dance

To everything there is a season and the wheel goes round and round. You can be on top one day and the bottom the next. The only thing assured is change. When the Wheel of Fortune comes up in a reading it can signal an opportunity for perspective. It can also represent the twists and turns of fate -- up becomes down and down becomes up. It may be you find yourself in the midst of rapid cycling, like Dorothy caught by the cyclone and taken to the land of Oz. It can reflect a time of surprises, happy or not. Sometimes we are so sure of how things will go and something we never considered, didn't even seem in the realm of possibility, presents itself.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Wheel of Fortune is depicted by the dance scene in Emma. Emma is dancing with Frank Churchill; George Knightley is dancing with Harriet Smith. No one ends up with his or her dance partner. Events large and small turn everything around. Circumstances allow Frank Churchill to finally declare his secret engagement to Jane Fairfax. Harriet Smith mistakes Knightley's kindness for love and this spurs Emma to realize she loves George Knightley and always has. George Knightley has loved Emma for years but never believed she felt more than a brotherly affection for him. Round and round they dance and live and by the end of the book, things have settled into surprising but wonderful conclusions.

Life is a dance and it's important to remember that dance we must, in some way, and so we best enjoy it. A generally positive card in a reading, it can offer prospects and prosperity seemingly out of the blue. It's best to remember though that no cycle lasts forever. We can never know whether our dancing will be rewarded or punished and so we can only keep dancing as best we can.

What Would Jane Do?

"Foibles and Frailties are what separate us from the Divine. No human being is exempt from that separation. However, we are all endowed with free will -- men and women alike -- and our actions determine how well we fare under the capricious tides of fortune, as well as how closely we achieve any degree of divinity." p. 32

January 19, 2010 - The Ace of Swords (Quills)

Whenever an Ace shows up in a reading it suggests a seed has been planted in this case in the areas of intelligence, reason, justice, truth, clarity and fortitude. Hmmmmm. The swords are a tricky suit. Having to do with the realm of thought, there is an aspect throughout this suit of being absorbed by thoughts and fears, of torturing oneself with possibilities. A mind is a terrible thing to waste and I wonder if we learn this again and again every day, the suit of swords our reminder of the major role we play in our misery.

Aces are hopeful cards, usually. This one though suggests a call to justice, a moment of truth, a sudden "a-ha." The person who gets this card will be called on in some way to demonstrate the qualities of the suit. Could be a gift, could be a trial, which are gifts too, although it often takes time to get to that place of blessings.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Ace of Quills is depicted by a quill laid across one of Jane Austen's novels, Emma. In one of the quirks that so often accompanies words written or spoken, slips of the tongue and slips of pen, the description of the card all centers around a description of a letter opener and a letter addressed to Anne Elliot of Persuasion. The letter represents a pivotal moment in the novel, a moment of clarity experienced by Captain Wentworth who proposes again, and Anne Elliot, who realizes she has a second chance at love and takes it without a moment's hesitation. This is the essence of this card. It may represent an exciting new idea, a brilliant brainstorm. More likely though, it's a moment of clarity, thinking with your head as well as your heart, not always an easy task when you're heart-strong.

What Would Jane Do?

"Perfect excellenc is, indeed, a rarefied quality, one that often remains more in the ethers than the material world. However, in the coolest regions of the mind, wisdom and rationality can intermingle and create a vision of perfection. It is not a perfection that can last in the continued earthly interchanges that demand the washing and needlework get done, but one breath drawn in that heavenly clarity can provide a lifetime of happiness." p. 102

January 18, 2010 - The Seven of Teacups

As the same tarot cars come up again and again in readings, I get a better idea of my own currents, my ebb and flow. I am a dreamer and the Seven of Cups is a card of dreaming, so many choices, so many hopes. The thing about hopes and dreams though is they aren't real and won't be real unless you take action. I think this card is reminding me that hopes and fears aren't real unless I make them real, unless I act, or don't. See that's the other part of this card, no action is action of a sort, maybe the worst sort because we don't make a conscious choice and so blame our place on everything but us.

Here's a bit from the Aclectic Tarot: How can you best realize your dreams and guard against or diminish your fears? Nothing will move forward in your life until you take concrete action: the time for imagining all your options will soon be over if it is not over already.

From the Jane Austen Tarot:

"Our imagination is a pet creature of our constitution. It reflects its master -- or its servant -- well. Those with far-seeking, curious minds have visions which can neither be contained nor predicted, and frequently give birth to inventions and devices that those with more limited minds will use with relish while they contemplate their next bonnet or beau. Notice how many more bonnets and beaus exist than innovations, and you will grasp the composition of the populace. A good imagination is a fine quality -- in a mind that is equipped to use it well."

So dream but do. Imagination tempered by discernment. Much to think about on rainy Monday.

January 17, 2010 - The Nine of Cups

The card of wishes come true. Seems an auspicious start to a rainy Sunday at the beginning of a new year. Of course anyone who reads fairy tales knows you have to be careful with wishes. They have a tendency to backfire for those who are not wise with them. Still, for gratitude's sake, sometimes you do have to sit back and smile, send up prayers of thanks for things going your way.

The man depicted in the nine of cups is smiling broadly. He could even be said to be smug. He's got all his cups in a row and on display. He wants you to see his cups and to agree that as cups go, they're pretty darn great. For someone who always waits for the other shoe to drop, I think there is a lesson here in enjoying the good times. It is part of the cycle, I think, and important to remember, to celebrate the good and not just bemoan the hurtful and the hard.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Nine of Teacups depicts a dinner party at the Weston household. Mr. Weston sits at the head of the table surrounded by the people he loves. Mr. Weston is a man of great heart. He gives his son up to be raised by people of fortune so he can become a man of fortune. He forgives his son's neglect and welcomes him with open arms. He marries for true love, not passion or monetary gain, and is happy in his choice (a lesson I think for me when thinking about wishes coming true).

This card indicates an open, welcoming, and happy heart. May it be so, not just figuratively but literally. No more blocks. No more detours and bypasses. It indicates emotional gratification as opposed to financial gratification. As a woman who can make her way, I'm not afraid of hard work. Emotional satisfaction has always been more important than riches to me.

What Would Jane Do?

"A healthy diet of love and affection - combined with a lack of financial worry - is the best guarantee of longevity. Ad to the regime a healthy appreciation of society and the means to indulge it and you add an additional decade to your life. Finally, remove tension by becoming the quintessence of affability and you might well live forever."

This sounds like happiness to me.

January 16, 2010 - The Seven of Swords (Quills)

More swords. Sigh. This card is a puzzling one. It doesn't suit exactly, or so it seems. That it does suit me completely, I have no doubt, even though I can't see how. The question, as the question always is, is why.

The Seven of Swords depicts a man running off with several swords, a rather satisfied smile on his face. The implication is he might be stealing. Whether it is just act or not is part of the card. It suggests possible dishonor after all. It also reflects the desire to run away, as well as a Lone Wolf style a desire, like the divine Garbo, to be alone.

Hmmm. Do I want to be alone? Sometimes. Do I have plans I am hiding from my loved ones? Maybe. I'm not completely present in this life I have, that's for sure.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Seven of Quills (swords) depicts Mrs. Norris of Mansfield Park. Mrs. Norris is not a good woman. She claims charity but is neither charitable in thought or deed. She speaks nicely, but her words do not match her actions. So perhaps I or someone I know, speaks deceitfully. Perhaps I or someone I know, professes good deeds but does not act that way. Am I feeling empty and lacking? If so, what mental tricks am I using to comfort myself and perhaps the time for tricks is gone. See, a troubling card, as tricky and deceitful as the man stealing away with an armful of swords.

What would Jane Do?

"Listen carefully to what others say and observe even more carefully what they do before you trust them with the secrets of your heart -- or your pet ideas." p. 111

January 15, 2010 - Nine of Quills (Swords)

Want to know how often your mind circles round on it's hamster wheel of thoughts and worries? Start a daily tarot practice. I suspect you may not be as obsessive as I am about some things, like love for example. Does he? Doesn't he? Will he? Won't he? He loves me. He loves me not. Up and down, round and round I go. Still, even you might be surprised the times the tarot tells you to snap out of it, and here you thought you were evolving, progressing, moving right along that path of enlightenment.

This is not the first time I've gotten the Nine of Swords. It is a card of misery, usually self-imposed. I won't say there's no reason for it. Where there's smoke there's fire. If you doubt your love, no doubt there are some legitimate reasons. The thing is, you worry them, like a dog a bone. Or rather, I do. I sniff out all the ways things can go wrong. When they do, I'm not at all surprised. Of course it can be some time before my thinking the worst comes true. In the meantime, I've lost the blessings of some wonderful times always marked by the loss I'm sure is just around the corner. And of course there's the possibility of manifesting the worst as opposed to the best. If you travel in New Age circles you hear this a lot, how if you think negatively that's what you draw because that's what you have given energy to. It could be right, probably is, although I hate the idea that I'm my own torturer even if it's true. I do know that I ended up losing someone very important to me because of my fear. I reacted, badly, and the fact I was so scared is no excuse. Maybe things still would have ended as they did but I have the dubious honor of knowing I made this nail bed I lie on.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Nine of Quills (Swords) depicts Catherine Morland of Northanger Abbey caught in the nightmares of her own imagining. Of course they do have some basis in fact. General Tilney is a man more interested in fortune than his children's happiness. Once he finds Catherine is not an heiress he sends her packing. But he did not murder his wife. Catherine embarrasses herself in front of the man she loves all because she let her imagination and fears get the best of her.

So, guess it's time to hop off my particular hamster wheel of "he loves me; he loves me not." I don't have to interpret words, wonder what's behind them. I can read actions, the truest indicator of who a person is, the depth and breadth and soul of them. I can use all this energy and imagination for the real trials and troubles of my life instead of borrowing sorrow and worry. How many times do you need to get the same card before you get the message? As many times as it takes. Maybe at last I'm getting this.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

The Serenity Prayer is not just for AA.

January 14, 2010 - The Eight of Teacups

Again and again this image comes up in my readings. The message is clear -- seek your personal truth and move on. Yes, there's an aspect of low energy, weariness, loss and lack of hope. But mostly it seems this is a card of moving on, finding my way, to where ever I need to be. The question is where do I move on from. Is it the life I'm living now? The life I dreamed of, maybe still hope for? I have no sense anymore of the direction I need to go. I flow like a river these days, drawn by natural forces I have no control over. And maybe this is always the way we are, the belief we choose, we make our way merely that, belief.

I do know that people are beginning to push me to do things, be things, that no longer call to me. I also know I won't do them, be them. I try to nicely dissemble, dissuade, but when I can't, I am resolute. No. Maybe this is where I need to be. It certainly is where I am.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, this card is depicted by Fanny Price leaving Mansfield Park. She is being punished for refusing the proposal of Henry Crawford, a charming young man but too easily swayed, too lacking in depth, for one as thoughtful and moral as Fanny. The carriage she is in is taking back to her childhood home, a place of poverty, a place she never truly fit in and certainly doesn't now, after years of education and experience at Mansfield Park.

Here's what Diane Wilkes writes about this card: "The growth you will experience on every level is necessary for your development now, even if it includes sacrifice and loss....Life is a series of paths and transitions. Each choice we make, each new path we take, involves giving up at least one thing in order to create room for something else, something greater, something that will expand our worldview. When we have achieved that necessary and new knowledge, it will be time to take another journey, forge a new path. Sometimes, as in the case of Fanny, it seems a return to the known; Fanny does make her way back to Mansfield park. But she is not the same girl; the new Fanny has gained much in the way of self-confidence and self-understanding. She is more appreciated than she had been before, and, when she marries Edward Bertram, she becomes a permanent and true denizen of Mansfield Park."

May it be so.

January 13. 2010 - Judgement

The Judgment card has come up several times since I've begun my daily readings. In fact, I've gotten many major arcana cards, indicating this is a pivotal time in my life. I think I already knew that. In the Rider Waite tarot, the Judgement card is near the end of the majors, the card before the culmination, The World. It usually depicts an angel blowing a trumpet on Judgement Day and the dead rising. The faithful are taken to heaven, but what of the others? For this reason, the Judgment card is a bit unsettling. Blessings we want, but the other? And where is forgiveness in all of this, and redemption?

When the Judgement card comes up in a reading it suggests it is a time for judgement, using ours or facing being judged. You can feel absolved, reborn. Personally, I'm pulling for this but I know enough of the tarot to know it speaks in levels. The Judgement card can also signal that you've heard the call, maybe of your vocation, maybe answering a need, maybe knowing what must be done. It's also about absolution. I don't know if I felt I needed absolution but who doesn't want to feel cleansed and reborn.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Judgment card depicts the characters of Jane Austen's novel, Emma. Each of them is yearning to ascend to another level. Some desire a specific love, like Emma and Mr. Knightley. Some aspire to be a better mother, to have a better life. Sometimes you don't even know what you want next. There is only the longing and the pull to something more. Whatever it is, the appearance of the Judgement card heralds a new and major life phase. If you feel confined by your current life, know you can be free but you have to do it. For someone who waits for life to sweep her along, this is perhaps the most difficult thing of all, to act without knowing where I'm going, just the call for next and more.

January 12, 2010 - Eight of Teacups (Cups)

A friend of mine also drawing a tarot card-a-day has been getting the same cards in the same suit. "Weird," she wrote of her last draw. Human, I think but don't say. We all have our blind sides, the "truths" we cling to, our vision of ourselves, our beliefs. We don't like to change, especially ourselves, and yet we inhabit a world of constant change. There's the infamous quote by Albert Einstein about insanity, that it's doing the same ting over and over and expecting different results. Well then we're all insane to some degree. Don't we do the same? Don't we believe this love will be different because we're wiser, we choose better, we're smart? The clothes change, the outward appearance, but unless we've changed at the core of us, things are pretty much going to happen as they always do. We'll shake our heads, wonder what went wrong this time, take a bit of the blame and heap the rest on the Other, and move on to repeat our patterns over and over again.

I've gotten the Eight of Cups before. It is a card that tells you it's time to move on. I'm big talk about getting on with things, and I manage to look like I'm doing that on the surface, but like Lot's wife, I always look back. I never quite give up on the dream of what could have been, even when it is clear that dream is over, done with, gone. If that cloaked figure was me, I'd have spent so much time, too much time, contemplating those cups. I would have crossed the river and crossed back and crossed it again, thinking if I just waited a bit longer, showed a little more patience, life would arrange itself to my pleasure. And even when I know it won't ever be as I want it to be, there's a part of me that just can't quite let go.

The Eight of cups says it's time to look for deeper meaning. Okay, I always look for deeper meaning. The thing is, that's hard to do on our own, bound by our own perspective. Einstein was known for his brilliant thought experiments but I suspect even he would be challenged to apply the same rigor to his personal life. When it comes to love and the messy world of emotions, we're all of us blind. That's one reason I began my conversation with the Tarot. I find it oddly open, delightfully and sometimes painfully blunt, constant and consistent. Since I'm doing all the projecting, the answers are usually pretty spot on. I do need to move on. The world will never be what it could have been. There is just now and what comes after. And I tend to be so married to what has passed that I miss what comes, what could be, fortuitous surprises.

So what do I need to know today for the health and happiness of my heart?

It's time to move on. It doesn't matter if it was real or imagined, if what was really was. There is only now and what comes after now. I can regret lost love, but that love is still lost to me and my only chance is to open to the possibility of new love. Friendships change and they sometimes end. What was deep grows shallow, what was close, grows distant, intimacy fades to history. Maybe it revives, but it won't be what it was, just what it is, and I can rant and rail, I grieve and sorrow, I can even get angry but it doesn't make any difference. In the end it is what it is and all that sound and fury ends up signifying nothing (thank you Mr. Shakespeare).

I desperately want a constant, but this is a world of cycles and of spirals, of embracing and letting go over and over. The lesson I think, for me, is to embrace the change, enjoy the moments, and know always whether it be joy or sorrow, that this too will pass and return and pass and return. The ocean calls me because it is my mantra and metaphor, ebb and flow.

January 11, 2010 - The Sun

When The Sun comes out in a reading, the heart lifts, a smile creeps across your face, and no matter how dark your mood had been, it lightens, brightens with hope. It s a sunshine card, full of hope and promise, and for me it's been a long time coming.

John O'Donohue writes in his book, Anam Cara, "We are always on a journey from darkness into light. At first, we are children of the darkness. Your body and your face were formed first in the kind darkness of your mother's womb. Your birth was a first journey from darkness into light. All your life, your mind lives within the darkness of your body. Every thought you have is a flint moment, a spark of light from your inner darkness." When The Sun comes in a reading you becomes enlightened, experience greatness, feel vital, and have assurance. It is your time to shine.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, The Sun is depicted by Emma Woodhouse and George Knightley at the moment each realize they love and are loved by the other. All the dark doubts and fears that come with The Moon, are chased away in the pure light of The Sun. When this card comes up in a reading, all is clear and out in the open. What has been dark and confused is now bright and unambiguous. Thank God.

What Would Jane Do?

"Perfect happiness is an exalted state that is as intense as it is infrequent. When you attain it, relish it, because with it comes a statute of limitations. For women in particular, it is a tenuous condition, one that is not supported by anyone but the newly smitten lover, and even there longevity is not indicated. Ecstasy will always be followed by a gnat in the ointment, so soak up the Sun as long as you are able."

January 10. 2010 - Lord of Candlesticks (King of Wands)

When court cards come up in a reading I wonder if they represent a particular person, me, or qualities I should be demonstrating. There was a time when I would look for them around me. Now I look for them in myself, ways I should be in the world, qualities I need to embrace. So, when the King/Lord came up today, I started to wonder what he had come to teach me for my heart's health and happiness.

The King of Wands is creative, inspiring, charismatic, and bold. While I think of myself as creative, the other three seem pretty foreign to this introvert who thinks she keeps a low profile and doesn't make much of an impression. Here's what Joan Bunning writes about the King of Wands: "The personality of the King of Wands is a combination of the positive fire energy of the Wands suit and the active, outward focus of a King. He is creative and never settles for old, tired approaches. He trusts his originality and allows his inspirations to take form. He's enthusiastic. He steps forward and takes the lead if the opportunity presents itself. Others follow when he shows them the way with confidence. He's forceful in pursuing his goals. He's not a quiet, passive observer unless that suits his purposes. He jumps in and creates results. He's dramatic and exciting. This King is never a wallflower, more often the center of attention. He's bold and daring. He avoids the safe, easy route because he has the energy and assurance to take risks and win. The King of Wands has the courage of his convictions and always believes in himself."

Hmmm. In the Jane Austen Tarot, the King of Wands is called the Lord of Candlesticks and is represented by a mature Captain Frederick Wentworth of Persuasion. Anne Elliot rejects Wentworth's proposal when he is a young seaman, with no real prospects. She loves him deeply but is convinced to be prudent and there is no proof he could support her. Now after he has begun to make a name for himself, he could return and propose again, but Anne has hurt him so much and he is so proud, he can't, won't. And so two people who love deeply, can't find their way to one another out of pride and hurt and circumspection.

I'm beginning to see why this card has come. The layer of the novels seems to help me when the cards are puzzling. I can see how boldness is required, as well as an understanding of how my own pride and hurt and anger might keep me from risking for love. It's so easy to close up and close down, to narrow the walls of my life, to find small pleasures and give-up large joys. Captain Wentworth says to be bold, be energetic, make your way, strong and sure of your abilities, but bend, when you need to, risk for the things that are important.

What Would Jane Do?

"Carpe diem! Boldness and ebullience serve you well, as long as honesty underpins your great enthusiasms, and experience guides your actions. Others might find you overly blunt, but only if they fear truth and hide their own intentions from others or themselves. This is not something you can understand, becasue guile and chicanery are foreign to you. May they always remain so." p. 78

January 9, 2010 - Ten of Candlesticks (Ten of Wands)

Thematically, the cards have been showing me again and again that I am where I have put myself, that my limitations are self-imposed. "Why can't I be with the one I love?"was my cry last night in the dark. "Why can't you?" life reflects back, in the cards, in every day experiences, in the words of others, in my own. "Maybe you can't be with that one, but you can be with one you love if you so choose."

I had a dream in the summer that I was the Lady of Beasts (the image of the Strength card) only I didn't know. I thought I was human. I lived with a man I once loved but we weren't lovers any more. Still we were together and every night we locked ourselves with a growing pack of dogs into cages to protect us from the night creatures that came out and ravaged the land. We never saw them; we never saw the devastation they caused. We, like every human left, closed ourselves in a cage each night to stay alive. And every day we worked to build our cages, strengthen our houses. We did other things, things apart. I wandered the forests and gathered to me abandoned and lost creatures. I grew wild and my hair untamed. My being swelled in these walks, and yet every night I returned to my cage and slept with a man who no longer loved me, was chained to me out of habit and history, laziness, and fear. And as I fell asleep each night I wondered how I got here, how he did, how the goddess of me in the days, became a tired, sorrowful human at night.

One day he came to me with a pregnant woman. While I had been among the animals, gathering lost souls, he was with her. They were lovers. And he brought her to me to save. "Let her stay," he pleaded, knowing how much he hurt me and not caring. I had given him everything and he expected more. Night was coming. I could feel it. I looked out the window in the tower we lived, my back to the cages we spent our nights in. I imagined I would sleep in one now, he and her in the other, and I was pretty sure I could not live that way. I didn't want her to pay. I didn't want to hurt her. But I also didn't want to live the life he was proposing. And it struck me that maybe we didn't have to live in cages. Maybe what came at night, in the dark, wasn't bad, just different. Maybe night and day could be ours and we could move freely through both the way once did and took for granted.

I gathered my animals around me and I walked into the twilight. I left them the cages, and I became the Lady of Beasts. And my heart ached but my soul grew large, and I became a goddess, she who walks through all times and all places, wild and present, strong and compassionate.

Joan Bunning writes: "The Ten of Wands indicates that your life is going to be tougher than usual for a time. You will have to fight uphill for every little gain. Each step will feel like a struggle. When you see this card, be kind to yourself. Lighten the load wherever you can, and let others help you. You don't have to handle everything yourself."

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the 10 of Candlesticks depicts Anne Eliot at the piano, playing so that the man she loves, has always loved, but turned down, can dance with another, woo another. Astrologically the card is represented by Saturn in Sagittarius, limits imposed on free-reaching Sagittarius. "You may yearn to dance with your spiritual partner, as Anne does with Captain Wentworth, yet you have put yourself in a position of servitude and self-denial. For reasons of circumstance or misguided notions of nobility and correctness, you may find yourself yoking your will and energies to fulfill the desires of others, often in direct contrast to your own wishes."

I suppose this is why the dream came back to me. Time to channel my desires creatively, even though this may be in the opposite direction to what I so want. Time to be the Lady of Beasts in all her glory.

January 8, 2010 - Strength

Gray days bring gray thoughts and step-by-step seems a laborious way to make a journey. I want my guarantee, my happy ending. I want to know where I'm headed; I want to see that pot of gold before I travel to the end of the rainbow. That's not how it works, I know. The longest journey and the shortest one all begin with a single step and as Machado writes: "By walking one makes the road, and upon glancing behind one sees the path...." There is no proof that we'll get what we want. There is only the faith that we'll get what we need.

When I picked the Strength card, I didn't feel any of the gray. I was heading to San Francisco after work to see a friend and have dinner. I was doing something out my comfort zone these days. It was an adventure. Maybe I was strong at last, ready to live my life without clinging to sorrow. By the time I was driving back to Sacramento, I was in tears, deep in the throes of something between a pity party and a tantrum (very unattractive). Ah Strength, the elusive thought we have it, the deeper understanding that true strength is elusive, a process, the same kind of step-by-step journey everything is, or seems to be fore me these days.

Joan Bunning writes: "Card 8 represents this energy of quiet determination. Strength is not a flashy card, but one that is solid and reliable. Card 8 also represents patience and compassion. Getting angry is easy when events turn sour, but dealing calmly with frustration takes great strength. So does accepting others and forgiving mistakes. We need strength to mold situations softly. The Chariot controls through mastery and authority. Card 8 is more subtle, even loving. Notice how the lion (itself a symbol of strength) is being guided and tamed by the woman's gentle hands."

Strength appears in a reading when its qualities are needed. It can be a reminder not to despair or give up. You have the inner strength to endure and triumph. Forewarned is forearmed, they say. Next time this card comes up hopefully I'll be better prepared.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Strength card is depicted by Fanny Price and Henry Crawford sitting on the quay. They represent two different kinds of strength, spiritual and physical, both of which exist in us. When it comes up in a reading, it might mean that one is caught in a struggle between the two. This is interesting, for the longing and loss I feel, what I've always thought was spiritual, may be just physical longing, desire, animal pleasure. Hmmm. The card also says to trust your gut. Since my gut is oddly silent these days, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to trust.

What Would Jane Do?

"There's a reason we call upon the physic's science when we become feverish. Before taking action, reflect not with the warmth of passionate desire but the cool, collected wisdom of your intuition and experience. That which we vociferously feel is worth burning for in the moment often results in worthless embers that can not be swept from the grate too soon."