January 14, 2010 - The Eight of Teacups

Again and again this image comes up in my readings. The message is clear -- seek your personal truth and move on. Yes, there's an aspect of low energy, weariness, loss and lack of hope. But mostly it seems this is a card of moving on, finding my way, to where ever I need to be. The question is where do I move on from. Is it the life I'm living now? The life I dreamed of, maybe still hope for? I have no sense anymore of the direction I need to go. I flow like a river these days, drawn by natural forces I have no control over. And maybe this is always the way we are, the belief we choose, we make our way merely that, belief.

I do know that people are beginning to push me to do things, be things, that no longer call to me. I also know I won't do them, be them. I try to nicely dissemble, dissuade, but when I can't, I am resolute. No. Maybe this is where I need to be. It certainly is where I am.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, this card is depicted by Fanny Price leaving Mansfield Park. She is being punished for refusing the proposal of Henry Crawford, a charming young man but too easily swayed, too lacking in depth, for one as thoughtful and moral as Fanny. The carriage she is in is taking back to her childhood home, a place of poverty, a place she never truly fit in and certainly doesn't now, after years of education and experience at Mansfield Park.

Here's what Diane Wilkes writes about this card: "The growth you will experience on every level is necessary for your development now, even if it includes sacrifice and loss....Life is a series of paths and transitions. Each choice we make, each new path we take, involves giving up at least one thing in order to create room for something else, something greater, something that will expand our worldview. When we have achieved that necessary and new knowledge, it will be time to take another journey, forge a new path. Sometimes, as in the case of Fanny, it seems a return to the known; Fanny does make her way back to Mansfield park. But she is not the same girl; the new Fanny has gained much in the way of self-confidence and self-understanding. She is more appreciated than she had been before, and, when she marries Edward Bertram, she becomes a permanent and true denizen of Mansfield Park."

May it be so.

January 13. 2010 - Judgement

The Judgment card has come up several times since I've begun my daily readings. In fact, I've gotten many major arcana cards, indicating this is a pivotal time in my life. I think I already knew that. In the Rider Waite tarot, the Judgement card is near the end of the majors, the card before the culmination, The World. It usually depicts an angel blowing a trumpet on Judgement Day and the dead rising. The faithful are taken to heaven, but what of the others? For this reason, the Judgment card is a bit unsettling. Blessings we want, but the other? And where is forgiveness in all of this, and redemption?

When the Judgement card comes up in a reading it suggests it is a time for judgement, using ours or facing being judged. You can feel absolved, reborn. Personally, I'm pulling for this but I know enough of the tarot to know it speaks in levels. The Judgement card can also signal that you've heard the call, maybe of your vocation, maybe answering a need, maybe knowing what must be done. It's also about absolution. I don't know if I felt I needed absolution but who doesn't want to feel cleansed and reborn.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Judgment card depicts the characters of Jane Austen's novel, Emma. Each of them is yearning to ascend to another level. Some desire a specific love, like Emma and Mr. Knightley. Some aspire to be a better mother, to have a better life. Sometimes you don't even know what you want next. There is only the longing and the pull to something more. Whatever it is, the appearance of the Judgement card heralds a new and major life phase. If you feel confined by your current life, know you can be free but you have to do it. For someone who waits for life to sweep her along, this is perhaps the most difficult thing of all, to act without knowing where I'm going, just the call for next and more.

January 12, 2010 - Eight of Teacups (Cups)

A friend of mine also drawing a tarot card-a-day has been getting the same cards in the same suit. "Weird," she wrote of her last draw. Human, I think but don't say. We all have our blind sides, the "truths" we cling to, our vision of ourselves, our beliefs. We don't like to change, especially ourselves, and yet we inhabit a world of constant change. There's the infamous quote by Albert Einstein about insanity, that it's doing the same ting over and over and expecting different results. Well then we're all insane to some degree. Don't we do the same? Don't we believe this love will be different because we're wiser, we choose better, we're smart? The clothes change, the outward appearance, but unless we've changed at the core of us, things are pretty much going to happen as they always do. We'll shake our heads, wonder what went wrong this time, take a bit of the blame and heap the rest on the Other, and move on to repeat our patterns over and over again.

I've gotten the Eight of Cups before. It is a card that tells you it's time to move on. I'm big talk about getting on with things, and I manage to look like I'm doing that on the surface, but like Lot's wife, I always look back. I never quite give up on the dream of what could have been, even when it is clear that dream is over, done with, gone. If that cloaked figure was me, I'd have spent so much time, too much time, contemplating those cups. I would have crossed the river and crossed back and crossed it again, thinking if I just waited a bit longer, showed a little more patience, life would arrange itself to my pleasure. And even when I know it won't ever be as I want it to be, there's a part of me that just can't quite let go.

The Eight of cups says it's time to look for deeper meaning. Okay, I always look for deeper meaning. The thing is, that's hard to do on our own, bound by our own perspective. Einstein was known for his brilliant thought experiments but I suspect even he would be challenged to apply the same rigor to his personal life. When it comes to love and the messy world of emotions, we're all of us blind. That's one reason I began my conversation with the Tarot. I find it oddly open, delightfully and sometimes painfully blunt, constant and consistent. Since I'm doing all the projecting, the answers are usually pretty spot on. I do need to move on. The world will never be what it could have been. There is just now and what comes after. And I tend to be so married to what has passed that I miss what comes, what could be, fortuitous surprises.

So what do I need to know today for the health and happiness of my heart?

It's time to move on. It doesn't matter if it was real or imagined, if what was really was. There is only now and what comes after now. I can regret lost love, but that love is still lost to me and my only chance is to open to the possibility of new love. Friendships change and they sometimes end. What was deep grows shallow, what was close, grows distant, intimacy fades to history. Maybe it revives, but it won't be what it was, just what it is, and I can rant and rail, I grieve and sorrow, I can even get angry but it doesn't make any difference. In the end it is what it is and all that sound and fury ends up signifying nothing (thank you Mr. Shakespeare).

I desperately want a constant, but this is a world of cycles and of spirals, of embracing and letting go over and over. The lesson I think, for me, is to embrace the change, enjoy the moments, and know always whether it be joy or sorrow, that this too will pass and return and pass and return. The ocean calls me because it is my mantra and metaphor, ebb and flow.

January 11, 2010 - The Sun

When The Sun comes out in a reading, the heart lifts, a smile creeps across your face, and no matter how dark your mood had been, it lightens, brightens with hope. It s a sunshine card, full of hope and promise, and for me it's been a long time coming.

John O'Donohue writes in his book, Anam Cara, "We are always on a journey from darkness into light. At first, we are children of the darkness. Your body and your face were formed first in the kind darkness of your mother's womb. Your birth was a first journey from darkness into light. All your life, your mind lives within the darkness of your body. Every thought you have is a flint moment, a spark of light from your inner darkness." When The Sun comes in a reading you becomes enlightened, experience greatness, feel vital, and have assurance. It is your time to shine.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, The Sun is depicted by Emma Woodhouse and George Knightley at the moment each realize they love and are loved by the other. All the dark doubts and fears that come with The Moon, are chased away in the pure light of The Sun. When this card comes up in a reading, all is clear and out in the open. What has been dark and confused is now bright and unambiguous. Thank God.

What Would Jane Do?

"Perfect happiness is an exalted state that is as intense as it is infrequent. When you attain it, relish it, because with it comes a statute of limitations. For women in particular, it is a tenuous condition, one that is not supported by anyone but the newly smitten lover, and even there longevity is not indicated. Ecstasy will always be followed by a gnat in the ointment, so soak up the Sun as long as you are able."

January 10. 2010 - Lord of Candlesticks (King of Wands)

When court cards come up in a reading I wonder if they represent a particular person, me, or qualities I should be demonstrating. There was a time when I would look for them around me. Now I look for them in myself, ways I should be in the world, qualities I need to embrace. So, when the King/Lord came up today, I started to wonder what he had come to teach me for my heart's health and happiness.

The King of Wands is creative, inspiring, charismatic, and bold. While I think of myself as creative, the other three seem pretty foreign to this introvert who thinks she keeps a low profile and doesn't make much of an impression. Here's what Joan Bunning writes about the King of Wands: "The personality of the King of Wands is a combination of the positive fire energy of the Wands suit and the active, outward focus of a King. He is creative and never settles for old, tired approaches. He trusts his originality and allows his inspirations to take form. He's enthusiastic. He steps forward and takes the lead if the opportunity presents itself. Others follow when he shows them the way with confidence. He's forceful in pursuing his goals. He's not a quiet, passive observer unless that suits his purposes. He jumps in and creates results. He's dramatic and exciting. This King is never a wallflower, more often the center of attention. He's bold and daring. He avoids the safe, easy route because he has the energy and assurance to take risks and win. The King of Wands has the courage of his convictions and always believes in himself."

Hmmm. In the Jane Austen Tarot, the King of Wands is called the Lord of Candlesticks and is represented by a mature Captain Frederick Wentworth of Persuasion. Anne Elliot rejects Wentworth's proposal when he is a young seaman, with no real prospects. She loves him deeply but is convinced to be prudent and there is no proof he could support her. Now after he has begun to make a name for himself, he could return and propose again, but Anne has hurt him so much and he is so proud, he can't, won't. And so two people who love deeply, can't find their way to one another out of pride and hurt and circumspection.

I'm beginning to see why this card has come. The layer of the novels seems to help me when the cards are puzzling. I can see how boldness is required, as well as an understanding of how my own pride and hurt and anger might keep me from risking for love. It's so easy to close up and close down, to narrow the walls of my life, to find small pleasures and give-up large joys. Captain Wentworth says to be bold, be energetic, make your way, strong and sure of your abilities, but bend, when you need to, risk for the things that are important.

What Would Jane Do?

"Carpe diem! Boldness and ebullience serve you well, as long as honesty underpins your great enthusiasms, and experience guides your actions. Others might find you overly blunt, but only if they fear truth and hide their own intentions from others or themselves. This is not something you can understand, becasue guile and chicanery are foreign to you. May they always remain so." p. 78

January 9, 2010 - Ten of Candlesticks (Ten of Wands)

Thematically, the cards have been showing me again and again that I am where I have put myself, that my limitations are self-imposed. "Why can't I be with the one I love?"was my cry last night in the dark. "Why can't you?" life reflects back, in the cards, in every day experiences, in the words of others, in my own. "Maybe you can't be with that one, but you can be with one you love if you so choose."

I had a dream in the summer that I was the Lady of Beasts (the image of the Strength card) only I didn't know. I thought I was human. I lived with a man I once loved but we weren't lovers any more. Still we were together and every night we locked ourselves with a growing pack of dogs into cages to protect us from the night creatures that came out and ravaged the land. We never saw them; we never saw the devastation they caused. We, like every human left, closed ourselves in a cage each night to stay alive. And every day we worked to build our cages, strengthen our houses. We did other things, things apart. I wandered the forests and gathered to me abandoned and lost creatures. I grew wild and my hair untamed. My being swelled in these walks, and yet every night I returned to my cage and slept with a man who no longer loved me, was chained to me out of habit and history, laziness, and fear. And as I fell asleep each night I wondered how I got here, how he did, how the goddess of me in the days, became a tired, sorrowful human at night.

One day he came to me with a pregnant woman. While I had been among the animals, gathering lost souls, he was with her. They were lovers. And he brought her to me to save. "Let her stay," he pleaded, knowing how much he hurt me and not caring. I had given him everything and he expected more. Night was coming. I could feel it. I looked out the window in the tower we lived, my back to the cages we spent our nights in. I imagined I would sleep in one now, he and her in the other, and I was pretty sure I could not live that way. I didn't want her to pay. I didn't want to hurt her. But I also didn't want to live the life he was proposing. And it struck me that maybe we didn't have to live in cages. Maybe what came at night, in the dark, wasn't bad, just different. Maybe night and day could be ours and we could move freely through both the way once did and took for granted.

I gathered my animals around me and I walked into the twilight. I left them the cages, and I became the Lady of Beasts. And my heart ached but my soul grew large, and I became a goddess, she who walks through all times and all places, wild and present, strong and compassionate.

Joan Bunning writes: "The Ten of Wands indicates that your life is going to be tougher than usual for a time. You will have to fight uphill for every little gain. Each step will feel like a struggle. When you see this card, be kind to yourself. Lighten the load wherever you can, and let others help you. You don't have to handle everything yourself."

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the 10 of Candlesticks depicts Anne Eliot at the piano, playing so that the man she loves, has always loved, but turned down, can dance with another, woo another. Astrologically the card is represented by Saturn in Sagittarius, limits imposed on free-reaching Sagittarius. "You may yearn to dance with your spiritual partner, as Anne does with Captain Wentworth, yet you have put yourself in a position of servitude and self-denial. For reasons of circumstance or misguided notions of nobility and correctness, you may find yourself yoking your will and energies to fulfill the desires of others, often in direct contrast to your own wishes."

I suppose this is why the dream came back to me. Time to channel my desires creatively, even though this may be in the opposite direction to what I so want. Time to be the Lady of Beasts in all her glory.

January 8, 2010 - Strength

Gray days bring gray thoughts and step-by-step seems a laborious way to make a journey. I want my guarantee, my happy ending. I want to know where I'm headed; I want to see that pot of gold before I travel to the end of the rainbow. That's not how it works, I know. The longest journey and the shortest one all begin with a single step and as Machado writes: "By walking one makes the road, and upon glancing behind one sees the path...." There is no proof that we'll get what we want. There is only the faith that we'll get what we need.

When I picked the Strength card, I didn't feel any of the gray. I was heading to San Francisco after work to see a friend and have dinner. I was doing something out my comfort zone these days. It was an adventure. Maybe I was strong at last, ready to live my life without clinging to sorrow. By the time I was driving back to Sacramento, I was in tears, deep in the throes of something between a pity party and a tantrum (very unattractive). Ah Strength, the elusive thought we have it, the deeper understanding that true strength is elusive, a process, the same kind of step-by-step journey everything is, or seems to be fore me these days.

Joan Bunning writes: "Card 8 represents this energy of quiet determination. Strength is not a flashy card, but one that is solid and reliable. Card 8 also represents patience and compassion. Getting angry is easy when events turn sour, but dealing calmly with frustration takes great strength. So does accepting others and forgiving mistakes. We need strength to mold situations softly. The Chariot controls through mastery and authority. Card 8 is more subtle, even loving. Notice how the lion (itself a symbol of strength) is being guided and tamed by the woman's gentle hands."

Strength appears in a reading when its qualities are needed. It can be a reminder not to despair or give up. You have the inner strength to endure and triumph. Forewarned is forearmed, they say. Next time this card comes up hopefully I'll be better prepared.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Strength card is depicted by Fanny Price and Henry Crawford sitting on the quay. They represent two different kinds of strength, spiritual and physical, both of which exist in us. When it comes up in a reading, it might mean that one is caught in a struggle between the two. This is interesting, for the longing and loss I feel, what I've always thought was spiritual, may be just physical longing, desire, animal pleasure. Hmmm. The card also says to trust your gut. Since my gut is oddly silent these days, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to trust.

What Would Jane Do?

"There's a reason we call upon the physic's science when we become feverish. Before taking action, reflect not with the warmth of passionate desire but the cool, collected wisdom of your intuition and experience. That which we vociferously feel is worth burning for in the moment often results in worthless embers that can not be swept from the grate too soon."