December 23, 2009 - The Tower

"So what do I need to know today for the health and happiness of my heart?" (I have come to think, at least for now, that my path and the health and happiness of my heart, both literal and figurative, may be one and the same.)

The Tower

When the Tower comes up in a reading, my heart sinks. I don't react with terror or fear as much as "again" and "still." It has been a major theme the past few years. And just about the time I think maybe I can start rebuilding, that the wheel of fortune is ready to turn again, bringing me high from the lows, the Tower card comes and tells me "not yet." I wonder as I write this if maybe I'm to move the site of my foundation, build somewhere else. Perhaps this ground cannot sustain me anymore. Perhaps it is not just about rebuilding but about finding somewhere else, a better place to settle, the right place.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Tower is depicted by the crumpled form of Louisa Musgrove. She has jumped for a second time from the steps on the quay. The first time she was successful, the second she suffered a significant head trauma. Everyone mills around, not sure what to do, with the exception of Anne Elliot. She is the only one that bends over the body trying to ascertain the extent of her injuries. There is a certain impulsivity implied in this card. Our own rashness has often led to our transformational changes. At least, mine did, which doesn't make it any easier.

Louisa Musgrove's accident is a pivotal point in the novel, Persuasion. As devastating as it is to all involved, good things come from it, although no one at that moment can see. Captain Wentworth, so angry at Anne for her refusal of him years ago, so determined to hurt her, realizes her worth and the love he still feels for her. Louisa, a poor match for Captain Wentworth, finds during her long recovery, a better match, someone better suited to her temperament.

What would Jane Do?

"Life serves us difficult experiences that we simply must live through, and sometimes it seems as if our particular cloud utterly lacks a silver lining. But we need to realize that while we may be powerless in the face of external events, the one thing we have complete control of is the attitude we take toward them." P. 44

Lemonade out of lemons. As much as I hate that saying, it still holds true.

December 21, 2009 - The Eight of Cups (Teacups)

My Yule log burned fierce and bright last night, a quiet, homey solstice, the first in a long time not filled with longing, sorrow, worry. Even regrets, and unlike Frank I've had more than few, seemed less raw, certainly bearable. The wheel turns, round and round.

Went back to the question, "What do I need to know for the health and happiness of my heart?" It struck me, as I asked it, that sometimes that question won't be enough, that there is not perfect question, that I cycle as the world does, ebb and flow, and oddly I felt at peace about this. Maybe this is my solstice gift, with the coming of the day, the sun, the promise of spring and warmth and bounty. Equanimity was my wish. Equanimity may be my gift. wouldn't that be lovely.

When the Eight of Teacups (Cups) shows up in a reading it means that at last you realize , once and for all, that the past is gone, that done is done, what was true is no longer, and that it's time to move on. The Eight of Cups heralds a time of seeking deeper meaning, moving one, of weariness, in the best of ways that forces us to make changes we resist, and the worst of ways, that make us give up hope. I was the man staring at the cups. For three years I've stared at them trying to make meaning trying to make it read what I want it to, trying, forcing, making. And now it seems, at last I hope, I am that man walking away, moving on, finding his personal truth, abandoning a hopeless situation, and moving on.

Equanimity. May it be so.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Eight of Teacups depicts Fanny Price leaving Mansfield Park. Henry Crawford has asked for her hand. Her Uncle, Sir Thomas Bertram does everything he can to convince her to accept him. He believes the best of Henry Crawford, just as his son, Edmund, believes the best of Henry's sister, Mary. Fanny Price though sees the Crawford's for what they are. She knows she would be terribly matched by Henry. She refuses the proposal and her uncle, in a fit of pique, banishes her from Mansfield Park, the only home she's known. Fanny returns to her family in Portsmouth. Perhaps if she sees the depths to which a poor woman can sink she'll come to her senses and accept Henry Crawford.

When this card comes in a reading, growth is necessary for our development at this time, even if it includes sacrifice and loss. "Life is a series of paths and transitions. Each choice we make, each new path we take, involves giving up at least one thing in order to create room for something else, something greater, something that will expand our worldview." To every thing, there is a season. "Give me one more turn, One more turn of the wheel." (Patti Smith, Gung Ho).

What Would Jane Do?

"Life is a series of planned and unplanned journeys. Many times the expected destination is never reached, and, if it is, the arrival often brings with it unexpected outcomes. It is our responses to these unanticipated happenstances that we show our mettle."

Winter Solstice 2009 - Six of Coins/Eight of Quills

What do I need to know today to move me the right way along my path and bring Health and Happiness to my heart and life? And how do I get there?

Six of Coins - The Six of Coins falls between the lack of the Five and the plenty of the Ten. It is about having and not having -- knowledge, money, power. And when it comes in a reading it asks you to look carefully, look deeper. Maybe the situation is clear, you will get what you want, you will have to defer, but the card asks you to question the obvious and to ask the hard questions..."Why am in the situation I'm in and where is it leading? What's really going on?"

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Six of Coins depicts Anne Elliot and a school friend, Mrs. Smith, a woman down on her luck. Anne is truly generous. She visits her friend, even eschewing the company of the wealthy to spend time with her, not just because Mrs. Smith is needy, not just because it's right, but because Anne understands something crucial about giving, that it is not a one way street, but we are given as we give, sometimes more than we have offered. The scales of justice tip this way and that as they right themselves to even steven. We find out as we read that Mrs, Smith possesses vital information for Anne, information that will help move her along her path, toward her greatest joy, Captain Wentworth. Anne gives time and truly honors her friend and is repaid in kind.

The card is really pretty clear. I'm not sure I need to know "how." The "how" seems implicit in the card. Still, as clear as I think I am, as honest as I believe myself to be, sometimes I hedge my bets. I know the situation I need to see clearly, but I choose not to read it as it is, pretend it's murky, unsure, ask for clearer signs. Why? I don't want to be wrong? Maybe. The end of the beautiful dream? Probably.

Eight of Quills - The one thing I have to say about the Jane Austen Tarot is that it is the iron hand in the velvet glove. It doesn't pull any punches although it tries, I think, to be kind. Yes, I'm anthropomorphizing a Tarot deck, but work with them long enough and you learn they are a particular way with you, or perhaps you are with them. Either way, it doesn't matter.

The image of the Eight of Swords is not a pleasant one. A young woman, bound and blindfolded, is trapped by a ring of swords. No help is coming. She seems helpless, and her home and safety seem far, far away. When this card comes up in a reading, you can be sure the situation you're in has you feeling restricted, confused and powerless. Ok, Jane Austen Tarot, could get anymore pointed?

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Eight of Quills depicts Edmund Bertram of Mansfield Park watching the beguiling and amoral Mary Crawford play the harp. She is lovely, elegant, and Edmund is smitten. Mary though, is not a good match for him, she is everything he is not, and he cannot see so blinded is he by her charms.

Aleister Crowley called the Eight of Quills/Swords the "Lord of Interference." Thoughts, expand, swell, fill our minds but thoughts aren't reality, and as much as we future, it doesn't make it so. Edmund believes the best of Mary, that she is selfless, caring, all the things she isn't. Our minds do that, delude and deny, cloak our loves in trappings that aren't theirs. We forget their human and, lost in love and loving, we forget we are too.

What Would Jane Do?

"While love induces an enviable state of bliss, it is also akin to a form of madness. Rationality and discernment go out the window at the appearance of "fine eyes" or a fine figure. Love may be the nectar of the gods, but when humans imbibe of the divine drink, they often do not have the head to handle it. Be sure you sober up before making any lifelong commitments -- they are often decided upon in haste and repented at leisure."

Thanks Jane.

December 20, 2009 - The World & The Five of Teacups

I'm beginning to realize that it's not enough to know what I need to know but how to get there. The question "What do I need to know today...." only gets me so far. The devil, they say, is in the details, and the Five of Cups is the details. I'm developing a better sense of the depth of the Minor Arcana these days. The big picture is important. They are the horizon. But the Minor Arcana are the small, everyday acts that make up our days, they are the step by step path to get us there.

The World is a lovely card, about integrating, accomplishing, healing, savoring. It is a card of blessing and of knowing it, feeling it. When it shows up in a reading it tells you that you are close to achieving your heart's desire. It represents the kind of gift that's earned, something you've worked hard for, given much to get more. It is the last card of the Major Arcana, but not really for The Fool is truly the Alpha and the Omega and frankly any place along life's path it wants to be.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, The World is represented much as it is in the Rider-Waite - a flowering circle, the four elements in each corner. The woman or androgyne in the Rider-Waite Tarot is replaced by the loving couple, Emma Woodhouse and George Knightley. In Jane's world though, a woman dancing alone would not be a happy ending, and I suppose the same is true of mine. According to Diane Wilkes, the author of the Jane Austen Tarot, "The scene depicted in this card is the wedding of two souls who have grown in harmony with themselves and with one another. The flowering bush symbolizes not just their love, but also the garden of lives in bloom, despite and because of the travails of the world."

"Great," I think. "Worldly success. Happiness. Fulfillment." The best you could ask for in a reading. Then why is it so hard to imagine where I am and how I will possibly today get to this card, the World? I'm not in "The World" kind of space. Which leads me to ask the second question, the vital one, "how do I get there?" I want to be grateful. I want to be fulfilled. I want the wholeness The World card represents, the happiness implied in the Jane Austen Tarot's interpretation.

My "how" of today is the Five of Cups. I think the representation in the Rider-Waite Tarot, that dark, cloaked figure sorrowing over the three spilled cups, ignoring or forgetting the two still standing, is pretty fitting, much more appropriate to my circumstances than the Jane Austen Tarot depiction of George Wickham recounting his "sad" story to Elizabeth Bennett. Have I been guilty of dwelling on the worst of the last years as opposed to the best? Yes. Has my grief at times bordered on the extreme? Yes. I am reminded today of my Grandmother when my grandfather died. She would be conversing with us, living her life, and someone would knock on the door, a friend come to commiserate, and my Grandmother would switch to sorrow, not just tears, but wails that wold last the visit, and then she would be back to Grandma. This was how she channeled her grief and how space was made for it in her society, something we don't really have here. I had to get on with things, to keep a stiff upper lip, to keep working, keep mothering, doing all the things I needed to do, all the things people expected of me. My tears came in the late hours, in the dark, in the shower, in the few places that were mine alone. But time has passed and I wonder if grief has becomes more habit and history, than something real and deep. I wonder if I have found my own way to my Grandmother's drama and now it's time to move on.

What Would Jane Do?

"Life, by its very nature, contains disappointments both minor and severe. A sensitive person is likely to exaggerate the former and wallow in the latter. Look at your current situation and determine if you are truly giving yourself an appropriate and necessary time to grieve -- or if your response is out of proportion to the specific situation in question. It may even be necessary to examine your own role in your current state of unhappiness; unless you wish to make bewailing your state of affairs your modus operandi, you may want to break patterns of behavior that have kept you in less than sanguine circumstances."

December 19, 2009 - The Two of Quills (Swords)

The Two of Swords is a card of decisions, or actually, that point just before, when you are weighing your options, that pause, that breath, that should I? There's no clear path and so you close your eyes, still yourself, and listen to that small, quiet voice that tells you what to do.

Of course the assumption is you can hear that small, quiet voice. I'm not sure anymore that I can. I have come to live in the moment since my bypass, but when it comes to should I or shouldn't I, life seems to be teaching me there are no shoulds, that every moment is fluid, that myriad possibilities come and go with every breath, every step.

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Two of Quills is represented by Jane Fairfax, from Emma. On one side, Mrs. Elton urges Jane to choose the governess position she has found for her. A well-educated young lady with minimal prospects needs gainful employment if she cannot marry well. Mrs. Elton knows this and has found a position for Jane, unasked. On the other side of Jane kneels Frank Churchill, a handsome young man adopted by a wealthy family, who has secretly proposed marriage to Jane but will not announce it for fear that his adopted family will disapprove and disown him. As if this is not enough, Frank Churchill is a bit of a flirt. When he arrives in Highbury, he begins to flirt with Emma in front of Jane, causing Jane to doubt his intentions. She wants to trust Frank Churchill, her heart tells her she can, but logic tells her she needs to make it in the world, find a way to support herself, that Frank can't be trusted.

What Would Jane Do?

"When you feel you are unable to make a decision that you know both logically and emotionally to be correct, inaction is preferable to action. Decisions based on logic must be lived by someone with a heart, whereas a decision made quickly and emotionally is bound to be repented at leisure. Sooner or later, circumstance will demand that a choice be made, but conditions will inform that decision, so it will be more wisely made." (p. 103)

December 18, 2009 - Death

When the Death card comes up in a reading, I can't help but sigh. I understand as a card, despite the skeleton riding the pale horse, that it seldom represents actual death, but I find that of little comfort. Metaphorical deaths are painful, maybe just as painful as the real thing, maybe more. Material beings that we are, endings are as much a part of us as beginnings, death all part of the cycle, our cycle. And yet ....

The last few years have been full of endings, changes. I came close to death in the form of several heart attacks and bypass surgery. At this point, to be confronted by death once again, to face just one more major and transformational end seems nearly overwhelming. "Again? Really?" To everything there is a season and the wheel turns and that's supposed to provide comfort, and yet ....

In the Jane Austen Tarot, the Death card depicts Henry Dashwood, the patriarch of the novel Sense and Sensibility. The novel actually begins with his death. From this one event, devastating to the women in his life, his daughters, his second wife, a novel unfolds and while because it is a Jane Austen book we can assume there will be weddings by the end, the how of it and the who of it, the when and where of it, are the stuff of story, of us. It's easier to remember looking at this card, that the pain of endings can lead to remarkable and unimagined beginnings, that though we may "see" our future stretch before us as an unalterable course, it is only our imagination and anything and everything is possible, things we never even considered.

The Death card also talks about legacies, suggesting maybe it's time to think about them, plan for them, because you never know. I had my lesson this last year on sudden and life altering changes, on how quickly and irrevocably, things can happen, ends can come. Have I said what needs to be said to those I love? Have I given them all I wanted to? We need to expect the unexpected, or at least prepare for them. They're going to come, unexpected gifts, hurts that may be blessings in disguise, that's a given. We best be ready to ride out the storms.

What Would Jane Do?

"While death is not a subject one enjoys discussing, it's a subject that employs -- and enjoys -- the final word. Death is an aggravating reminder that preparation for the future must be both thorough and far-sighted. that our legacies are uncertain, and that none of us are immune from its bony fingers....Unalterable change may seem a bitter pill on initial ingestion, yet as the stages of the meal of life are placed upon our table, we may find the resultant foodstuffs unexpectedly to our taste. Bitter or sweet, we must continue to consume the fare we are served, in the order in which it is served. Digestion is, of course, another matter entirely."

December 17, 2009 - The Seven of Teacups/Temperance

Sometimes when you ask a question of Tarot, the same card comes up again and again. Usually, in fact most of the time, the information is something you need to hear over and over, something that hasn't quite sunk in. Thick skull comes to mind, especially with me. There are things I know but I refuse to KNOW, until the universe and life pummels me into recognition and ultimately acceptance. For me, acceptance can take a long, long time. We're talking years. Yes, my skull is that thick, my denial that strong.

I've gotten the Seven of Teacups before. I know I'm in love with love. I know I am dazzled by possibilities. I know I turn toward fantasy instead of reality. Do I KNOW this? Maybe not yet, not the way I have to KNOW it to stop spinning pretty dreams and live in the world and of it. I suppose I'll see if this particular lesson is at last sinking in.

Sometimes though, what you need to know doesn't tell you how to get to a place beyond it. I can KNOW I tend toward the Seven of Cups, but how do I move beyond it? That's when you ask the clarifying question. It's funny how I try so hard to get that one question right, and when it comes to this second one, it's simply "how?"

Temperance was my clarifying card. In the Rider-Waite deck, Temperance is an angel with a foot in water and earth, conscious and unconscious. It is a card of balance, finding it, maintaining it, healing, flourishing. In the Jane Austen Tarot, Temperance is depicted by Emma Woodhouse and Jane Fairfax. These two women know each other, but come from two different worlds. Both are beautiful, both accomplished. Each though dwell in extremes of a sort, Emma a foolish embracing of status, of "assumptions," dwelling on the surface as opposed to truly knowing, Jane, accomplished but without status, living secrets, trusting someone who might not be trustworthy with her most precious gift, her heart. Each woman would be better, balanced, by some incorporating of the other. An all or nothing mentality benefits no one. Ahhhhhhh. Balance. The Libran quest, that ephemeral equinox moment we try to extend, maintain, recover.

"When the Temperance card appears in a reading it is time to note where we need to be more expressive and open like Emma -- or in areas in which, like Jane, it would behoove us to be more languid and discreet. The angel that appears on this (and most) Temperance cards reminds us that we humans can invoke the heavenly realms by virtuous actions. Tempering our selves with concerted effort and a devotion to inner and outer balance brings us one step closer to that angelic being." p. 41.

What Would Jane Do?

"Candor and discretion must go hand in hand ... an even keel will get us through even the most querulous waters."